Approval: A Four Part Series

Part 4: The Exhales of Self Trust and True Belonging

Hello ♡,

I am back with Part 4 (we made it!!) of our four part series on Approval Seeking. (Click here to read Part 1, Click here to read Part 2, Click here to Read Part 3). I have absolutely loved hearing from so many of you about this series!

We’ve been talking about seeking approval of others at the expense of being truly ourselves - and the what, how, and why of it. So, now what in the world can we do about it? Well many things perhaps, and you know I don’t believe in “before-and-afters,” but I do believe in gentle next steps. I want to focus on two exhales today: Self Trust and True Belonging.

We are often taught by our caregivers, or by society, to put the determination of our worth into the hands of others. Most of us would agree this is a bad idea, and yet, we likely still struggle with it. It’s quite understandable that this lack of a boundary exists in so many of us because we are wired as humans to want to be connected to others (Attachment research supports this), and the sneaky thing is, approval often feels like belonging (more on that in a minute).

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

As you learn to take the question of your worth, lovability, and acceptability back into your own hands, picture physically taking it out of external hands and bringing it back home to your hands. The act is, if you can imagine, taking the important question of your worth out of the hands you have given it to, and pulling it back into your own hands - where it always belonged. I often think about this in a spiritual sense too (if applicable for you), by picturing taking the worth question out of the hands I placed it in and putting my worth back in the hands of a loving God.

One of the ways we can enact this idea of pulling that worth question back to you, back to the hands it belongs to, is to practice self trust. Self trust sounds like an annoying therapy lingo word, but the concept is essential. Learning to trust yourself - your okness, your decisions, your opinions, your simple preferences, your expressions, is one of the most foundational ways to actually love yourself. It is saying, in action, I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I can believe myself, I can have this opinion (perhaps different from theirs) and be ok. I can be disapproved of (more on that in a moment) and be ok.

Trusting yourself is one of the most important boundaries we can learn to have. It is believing that you can be believed, you can be trusted, you can be worthy, even if “they” disapprove. Self trust is putting your hand in your own hand and saying, I am sticking with you.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Does it mean you are perfect and not open to feedback, learning, and changing? Absolutely not. In fact, those with a lot of self trust, I find, are often much more open to where they need to grow, or where have they have misstepped. This is because trusting yourself is so intimately tied to loving yourself. And, when you feel loved, you feel safe enough to not only be wrong, but to change. Trusting yourself is choosing to have faith in what you think, and who you are, over seeking the approval of another.

That brings us to our second exhale - true belonging. One of the things I find that so many of us have (understandably) gotten mixed up are approval and belonging. Approval is not belonging. Approval is, well, being approved of by someone, and it can feel like belonging because you are not being rejected. But it is only a version, or part of yourself, that is being approved of. Belonging is being your whole self, and it can give you the strength to risk disapproval as you learn to set this distinction.

Brené Brown describes the difference between approval and belonging in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

Real belonging doesn’t require fitting in to someone else’s expectations of you.

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

An idea that really changed so much for me personally, and I have seen impact clients, is the idea that you can belong to yourself. This is really a continuation of pulling that question of worthiness back to yourself. Sometimes we don’t have a relationship that is a model of true belonging. Or sometimes we do, but we’re still too nervous to fully trust it and put weight on it. In these circumstances we don’t need to be counted out from this powerful idea of true belonging. We can also give that to ourselves.

It goes like this in my heart when I fear disapproval - I will say to myself: “You belong here, I will not turn on you, you belong with me.” I might also pray, “God, I am putting my sense of belonging back in your hands, I belong with you.” There can be a physical exhale to this kind of grounding belonging truth. The power of the question mark is back where it belongs, and it makes tightropes and approval dances feel a lot less necessary. It is a practice for sure, one most of us will be practicing our whole lives, but it gets easier and more fluid with time.

So as we wrap up our series on approval, I hope you are left with two exhales: trusting yourself and true belonging. Pull that question of your okness back from whomever has it. Practice true belonging with yourself (and with your safe few.)

Be a good friend to you. The rest is out of our hands.

Photo by Kunj Parekh on Unsplash

With you,

Monica

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P.S. Book News! - I am just weeks away now from turning in my full manuscript, and I met with my marketing team today. And they are awesome! And I want to continue to say thank you for being here, and I consider you all part of the team too. Not in a weird obligation way, but in a: I am so grateful you are here, and as I am writing I think about you all. It’s a lot out in the world, and for many of us that layers on the a lot in our bodies, hearts, and minds too. I hope this book will be an exhale for you in some way, and I will keep you posted on any news. Thank you ❤️