Approval: A Four Part Series

Part 2: Pre, During, and Post Approval Dances

Hello ♡,

I am back with Part 2 of our four part series on Approval Seeking. (Click here to read Part 1.) I loved hearing from so many of you about last week’s topic!

There are several ways in which we cross our own boundaries by prioritizing someone else’s approval of us over what we actually think, want, or are. Although an oversimplification of sorts, I find that we do this before, during, and after interactions. 

Before:

We prioritize another person’s approval before an interaction by rehearsing (and re-rehearsing) what will be approved of by them, and what will not. We do this by worrying about what we will wear, say, or report on a recent life update. We rehearse our moves - if we do this, how will they respond? If we say that - what will they think? We dance in the mirror so to speak, trying to ensure the feigned feeling of emotional safety that approval will give us from them. Depending on the relationship, and the fear you feel, this may be all consuming with physical anxiety present, or it may be like a low-grade hum in the background of everything you are doing and thinking before the interaction.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

This is not unlike a middle schooler getting ready for school in the morning - what will cause them the least amount of pain as they risk being mocked for their individuality, or critiqued for how they show up? You rehearse what will look the best in the other person’s eyes. This is a boundary violation because it is placing the other person’s potential approval above what you actually want to literally or metaphorically be, wear, say, or do. Pulling that authority back to yourself, as a worthy decider about your own self, regardless of the approval or lack of approval is an important boundary step.

In this, however, we must acknowledge the pain we are risking. The pain of being yourself in front of that person can be simply awkward, or as deeply painful as losing the relationship by saying what you really want, think, feel, or expressing who you really are. So proceed gently. This is not a boundary quick fix, this is something to gently begin to notice about yourself: what are you prepping for, and how you are pre-editing yourself before you see them. 

During:

Another dance we do with approval is during an interaction. Most of us know that most of the interactions we have are primarily read in body language (whether we have read about that or just know it intuitively). We are scanning people to know whether or not they are emotionally safe for us, or whether we will be approved of. Sometimes this is a matter of real and actual safety, and so this is an ability we do not want to undersell or dishonor. However, other times, it is a type of hyper-vigilance we have learned from our upbringing, or previous experiences, to read the other person’s facial and body cues about whether or not we are “getting it right.”

Photo by Sean Benesh on Unsplash

Did we “step on their toes” with something we said? We watch and amend, watch and edit, trying to thread the needle just right in order to keep that tenuous balance of their approval of us. Some of us could teach a master class in this. Sometimes in therapy sessions, I have likened this more to a tightrope rather than a dance for clients. The risk of falling off this tightrope of approvability is a loss of love, potential rejection, even severing of the relationship. And so we tip toe our steps to stay within what we think they want.

And with each step we are often further from who we are and what we believe and know about ourselves. It is exhausting. And the feeling of approval may come with little celebration because it was costing us so much as we were so careful with our footing. The pain here is that we can’t be ourselves and be accepted. It is a pain that is interpersonal - between you and the other person, and a pain that is deeply personal - between you and you. We agree silently with their parameters for us as we acquiesce and over accommodate and edit ourselves down to be just the right bite size and flavor for them. 

After:

Finally, part of the dance of approval comes after the interaction. This is when you might re-hash every word you said as you try to decipher whether or not you stayed on the tightrope of their approval. You may anxiously go over it as you head home, you may fixate on one part of it, even wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. You may ask someone what they think about. what. you. said?? You may try to remember what they said back to you how they looked in that moment. You may try to decode their reactions to see if you lost the prize of their approval. Again, this is because it feels safer to you to be approved of by them. You are trying to understand in your anxious re-imagining how bad of a predicament you are in with them - will you still be approved of, or did you fail to edit yourself enough? You may go over and over it again, trying to find out in that re-hashing if you in or out. It is scary to lose this approval because it has been wired together in your brain with feeling like you are ok, worthy, lovable, and accepted. But approval can never replace being known and truly belonging.

Photo by the blowup on Unsplash

So much of boundary setting, especially when it comes to approval seeking starts with increasing self-awareness. If we are aware, we have more options. As Victor Frankl wrote, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” With this awareness we may even decide to do something different. We may even re-evaluate if relationships that require so much pre, during, and post approval dancing are worth the trouble? We may begin to gently experiment with being ourselves in some relationships, and perhaps even be surprised that the dance is outdated there.

Come back for Parts 3 and 4, remembering again that rewiring this pattern includes learning to set the boundary of choosing self-trust (and a little “let them think what they will”) over this previously wired tendency. What if they don’t know better? What if you can stay with you?

With you,

Monica