Hello ♡,
(This is the beginning of a four part series on the topic of the unique dynamics of “approval as a boundary issue.” It will be written so that it works best together, but each newsletter can also stand alone. Sometimes we have time to read a series, sometimes we don’t!)
You may be familiar with the popular self help topics of “people pleasing,” and “approval seeking.” But, I think we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t talk about the need for approval as a boundary issue, a crossing of our own boundaries.
It looks like the need for others to like you and think you are ok and making “good” decisions with your life. It’s not just as simple as “people pleasing,” there are personal boundaries we are often ignoring, or not honoring, when we elevate someone’s opinion over our own. The need for approval becomes a boundary issue because we may find ourselves overstepping our own needs, limits, even values in rare cases, to gain approval.
The roots for this need are often buried deep in our upbringing and early experiences, where we learned, directly or indirectly, that to be loved we must be pleasing and “approvable.” (Nevermind that each person’s version of what is approvable is quite different.) Many of us enter adulthood feeling that being approved of makes us “ok.” We may not call it that - we may more quickly identify with wanting people to like us - but this too is form of approval.
The “dance as fast as you can” tendency to get and maintain approval can happen in moments as subtle as leaving out a truthful detail about your day in a casual conversation, to as large as making a big decision based on what you believe will keep you within the “approval window” of a person or group. It is a way to try to ensure some emotional safety with this person, or group - meaning that you will be accepted, loved, and supported by them. This gives way too much emotional power to another person or group. And, if you are receiving what feels like emotional safety from them based on keeping your self approvable, it isn’t actually emotional safety. It is something altogether different.
You can never be fully emotionally safe with someone when you are editing yourself down to a palatable (for them) version of yourself, because they are not accepting you - they are accepting that version of you.
Being accepted as a version of yourself is actually painful, even though we may not be attuned to the pain of it. It can reinforce feelings of loneliness (because you are not being fully known), and questions of worthiness (because you are not being affirmed as your authentic self). The pain that occurs is also layered - we believe we are only worthy if we are approved of by X, Y, and Z people, but we also miss the opportunity to fully know and express ourselves authentically. There is no reason to be hard on yourself about this if this is your tendency, it is a tendency born out of necessity emotionally. An inclination to sacrifice yourself on the altar of someone else’s approval was born out of the pain of never feeling fully loved or accepted while just being yourself. It was a matter of emotional survival (in rarer cases physical safety as well).
Learning to identify this tendency - of needing approval to feel loved - is essential to becoming more yourself, and more comfortable in your own skin. You start by looking at the personal boundaries you are crossing when seeking approval. Where are you giving too much to others in order to be approved of? This may be in your choices with time, or it may be internally worrying too much about what they think! Where are you silencing, or editing, yourself to become what you believe they want? Regardless of the specific type of boundary crossing, we often overgive or over-edit ourselves to gain approval. Neither feels very good, right? And neither likely feels like a settled, centered way of being in the world.
Whether it is losing yourself in overgiving, or losing yourself in over-editing, rewiring this pattern includes learning to set the boundary of choosing self-trust (and a little “let them think what they will”) over this previously wired tendency. What if they don’t know better? What if you can stay with you?
(Next week we will dive deeper, and get into what I like to think of as: Pre, During, and Post Approval Dances.)
With you,
Monica
I am learning a lot here- breaking down the ‘Approval by Others’ reality is actually important to my understanding of the processes I myself use to seek approval. I doubt I have ever analyzed it. I will try now.
I'm working through this very thing. There Is tremendous discomfort in changing how I've related to people. I am trying different ways of interacting but very aware how vulnerable and uncomfortable I feel in this transition. Looking forward to your insight on this topic