The Big Exhale: Therapy Notes (Pt. 2):
Small Bits of Wisdom from Inside the Room
Hello ♡,
We crossed over the highway when my teenager finally let out a big exhale. Things had been chaotic getting out the door - a forgotten item, circling back home, leaving later than we planned. After we both caught our breath from the scramble, I leaned over and said: “This is really hard. It’s a lot. It would be a lot for anyone. I see you. You make sense.” That’s when the exhale finally came. And relief settled into the car like a soft blanket, comforting and covering ever sharp edge. No events had changed. But the mood improved significantly. What happened?
The big exhale is a sound I know very well. I recognized it immediately when I heard it in the car that day. I’ve heard it many times in therapy sessions. It is the sound of the relief of finally being seen.
We are often taught that relief comes with a solution to problems, a quick fix, or a conclusion to a hard thing. But the reality is that type of relief is rare. The hard season drags on, that relationship doesn’t improve much, the diagnosis is long term, the job still frustrating. And yet, in the drudgery of a struggle - there can be an exhale. When we are finally seen, finally validated, the hard thing is finally properly named with compassion–something inside of us releases the breath we have been holding. We exhale into the space of witness and validation.
As we continue this new series Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom1 from Inside the Room this week, we’re looking at the power of validation. Validation, much like gratitude we discussed last week, is a free, accessible and under-utilized mental health tool.
There isn’t anything magical about therapy. Very often you walk out of the room with the same problems you walked in with. The difference though, is that maybe for the first time, maybe for the only time that week, month, or year, you and every hard thing you carried in, are seen, witnessed, honored, and validated. Maybe for just those 50 minutes, or the last 10 minutes when you finally say it: you are seen. I often reflect back to clients something like, “that is really hard", “you’re right, that isn’t fair,” “that is not ok,” “that would be too much for anyone,” “I see you.”
That is when the big exhale comes. The breath we all hold, trying to muscle through something, is released in the space created by validation.
It feels hard because it is hard.
You are not overreacting.
You make sense.
I see you.
Exhale.
But why does validation work? And how can we take this tool out into the rest of our lives? Validation works because we are meeting a hard moment without judgement. Too often we judging whether or not something is actually hard, if we are overreacting, or if we should feel differently about it, or feel and act more like so-and-so about it. All of this judgment creates a phenomenon of skipping right over the pain, and right past ourselves in it. We are not present to what we are feeling, and that feeling goes unmet, gets bottled, or comes out sideways in irritability.
Validation stops us from skipping over the pain. Validation refuses to rush to solutions. Validation meets you where you are.
And in that moment of validation we are found again. We are seen by another safe person. This type of witness is one of the most effective ways to regulate our nervous system. The connection to another person soothes your big feelings, no solution required.2
Validation also helps us connect to resources internally that can help. Did you know that the part of your brain that calms your big feelings gets activated to soothe them when you name what you are feeling? It is a phenomenon called “Name it to Tame it” by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel.3 Validation is doing just this.
Finally, validation allows you to stop trying to get over things, and instead find a way to get through them. Mental health, well being, peaceful insides are not predicated on closure, fixes, or getting over things. Solutions can be wonderful, but they are not required, or always available. Your ability to get through hard things is rooted in meeting yourself where you are with validation, releasing comfort and connection as you do, and exhaling as you feel seen.
So let’s practice together this week. Although giving and receiving validation to one another is invaluable, you can also practice giving this to yourself. Stop arguing with yourself about how you feel. You have a hard feeling, day, or moment, and instead of shaming, judging, or questioning yourself, you try this instead:
Put you hand on your heart and say, “I see you. This is hard for you. It’s ok this is hard for you.”
You just validated yourself.
The thing may still be very difficult, but you are opening yourself up to acknowledging it, feeling seen in it, and the exhale of feelings properly named. It is simple. It isn’t flashy or exciting for social media algorithms. It is a gentle practice that will help you move through hard things, rather than waiting just to get over them.
Validate with compassion. Repeat as often as needed.
With you,
Monica
Optional Reflection:
Try validating a feeling you would typically reject. How did that feel?
New Still Becoming Episode!
Episode 129: Short Meditation for a Fearful Thing
These short guided meditations are ones I wish existed. They are topical, easy to follow, and made to feel therapeutic. They are short and combined with very calming music.
This short meditation can be used to prepare for something that worries or scares you. It can be used to make space for worrying about someone you love. It is also just for the fear of the everyday. Many carry a lot of fear every day, and this short meditation is a chance to process, make space, and find comfort.
This new series will offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist.
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
A wonderful book that discussed the regulation of our nervous system by ourselves and others, as well as Polyvagal Theory, is The Wisdom of Your Body by Dr. Hillary McBride.
To read more about Dr. Dan Siegel’s definition of “Name it to Tame it,” see his books: The Mindful Therapist and Mindsight.