Slice it Thinner: Therapy Notes (Pt. 7)
Trustworthy Tools to Go Slow
Hello!
Imagine your kid, spouse, or roomate bursts into your home. Door slams shut. Big feelings burst out with the slam. They are feeling a lot. Oh, and they don’t even seem to know why.
It becomes overwhelming to you too. Where do you start? How do help? What exactly happened?
Take a breath.
Now take another breath very slowly.
And then begin to listen carefully.
Start to slice it thinner1. This is a therapeutic term used to describe taking a big overwhelming thing and carefully cutting it into smaller and smaller moments to understand what is happening, and why we are where we are.
We often deal with feelings in big gulps.
The story goes something like: you were fine, then all of a sudden nothing is fine!!
When this happens part of the overwhelm for the person feeling and the person supporting is the sense of mystery around the big feelings. When you slice it thinner you are trying something different than the all or nothing strategy we often get into when we are feeling a lot, we’re anxious, or we’re overwhelmed. You are making space to go bit by tiny bit through the story. Not only will you find some more clarity about how the big feelings came about, the process itself will help calm you both.
When you are slicing something thinner, you are able to see more clearly what is happening between the slices. When I had my recent surgery, they told me how very many slices they would make in what they took out to be able to see everything very clearly. This ensures the doctors don’t miss anything in a biopsy. Our emotions are not much different. Slicing them thinner, each moment, each feeling, each assumption, helps us to see what we are in fact dealing with.
This dovetails with another therapeutic tool, go slow to go fast. I first heard Dr. Terry Hargrave say this at a training, and it has stuck with me. We (understandably) want to zoom past the hard and uncomfortable parts to get to the ending and feel better. But when we zoom we miss really important keys that may in fact help illuminate why we are feeling what we are feeling. We actually end up going faster, and further, when we slowwwww down.
I’ll be honest, I think it can annoy couples in therapy when I slow things way down. When I don’t jump on the automatic assumption made about who was wrong or what went wrong. In the chaos of hurt feelings and old patterns, speed is not our friend. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat with couples as a new understanding of one another, or their dynamic, emerged from slowing way down and picking up each assumption and feeling and looking at it with pure curiosity.
So how can you use this? Let’s say you are sooooo mad at someone, and you don’t quite know why. Your anger may surprise even you. Why did that sting so much? Before you jump to being mad at yourself for being mad, or acting out of that anger, or going fast to numb the feeling - try going very slow. Listen carefully to yourself, be curious, and ask questions. What was happening before that in your body, your mood, and your life? What has been happening in the relationship? Slice it thinner. What does this feeling remind you of? Has this happened before with this person or in a past relationship? How often do you feel this way with this person?These are all reflection questions that could model a therapeutic conversation of slicing it thinner.
So much of mental health is self awareness, being able to understand how you are feeling, and then have the emotional space to choose how you want to respond rather than just react. When we increase our self awareness, we increase our insight, understanding, self-compassion, and our choices about what to do next.
Two of the simplest and most effective ways to do this are to slice it thinner and go slow to go fast. People walk into my office every week feeling a lot of big valid feelings. I don’t have the answers. What I have are empathy, validation, and trustworthy tools I rely on over and over again. These are two of those tools. I also use these with my family, and with myself. When feelings are big: slow down and slice it thinner. You won’t eliminate the pain, but you will get much closer to understanding, comfort, and the freedom in the space you created to choose what you want to do next.
With you,
Monica
New Still Becoming Episode:
Episode 132: Mental Health Check-In: Therapy Notes
This month's Mental Health Check-In follows along with my current newsletter series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom from Inside the Room. Head over to the link below, or my website, to join in at my newsletter. It's my favorite place to create and connect.
About the series : Therapy Notes swill offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist. Scroll back through all of them if you are new here!
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
We are currently in a Series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom From Inside the Room:
This series will offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist. Scroll back through all of them if you are new here!
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
I first learned this concept when I was trained in EFT: Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy