Real Life Boundaries: Therapy Notes (Pt. 5)
Some Grounding Statements
Hello ♡,
I am happy to be back after a summer break. I wonder what your summer has looked like? And how it is shaping you?
We are resuming our Therapy Notes series (see below for a description if you are new, and welcome 🫶🏼). Boundaries are a hot topic in therapy. Boundaries order, or disorder, our lives. They are where you begin and end. What is OK with you and what isn’t. Where you will spend your energy or not. Boundaries are like a fence with a gate that opens and closes as needed.1
The need for new and firmer boundaries is often at the heart of feeling out of control, exhausted, or weary in your life. Boundary discussions about real three-dimensional lives are much more nuanced than they are online, or even in books. This can feel frustrating because we are often taught boundaries in a two-dimensional way, as if it should be an open and shut case of “just saying no.” Boundaries, however, are as complex and changeable as we are.
When things feel complex I like to have have grounding truths to choose from and apply as needed. It is not one-size-fits-all with boundaries. It is not all straight forward, and much of the work is actually internal. You have to do your own emotional work before, during, and after setting a boundary.
Here are some of the grounding truths I actually use with clients in therapy when working on boundaries:
Keep Your Side of the Street Clean: You can’t “boundary” everyone out of your life. Sometimes at work, or in extended family or friend groups, you will have to deal with people that are difficult for you. While you can’t control how that person behaves, you can make choices about the relationship and your behaviors that reflect your values and allow you to lay your head down at night in peace. There is a surprising amount of empowerment, clarity, and relief in this. And this too is a boundary.
Don’t Catch that Ball: When someone is lobbing something at you that feels uncomfortable, you don’t have to participate. Whether it is them trying to compete with you, incite an argument with you, prove something to you, or guilt you into something - you don’t have to play. Let the ball they tossed drop at your feet. Don’t catch it.
Let it be Awkward: An essential skill for any boundary work is to let things get awkward if they need to be. We make so many of our boundary mistakes when we don’t want someone to feel bad, be dissapointed, or have consequences for what they just said. Don’t say “yes” immediately to be pleasing. Let it be awkward. Or simply say, “Let me think about that and get back to you,” to give yourself more time to make a decision you can live with.
Their Urgency is not Your Emergency: This is a common phrase in boundary work. When someone comes at you with an urgency of their making it is easy to get swept up in their tornado. Try stepping back and pausing instead. Is their urgency really your emergency? Maybe you can get to it tomorrow, maybe you can say “not today,” maybe it isn’t your responsibility at all.
Let Them Misunderstand You: The risk in setting a boundary can be that you may disappoint someone, they may not like your choices, they may disapprove, or they may think something negative about you. Making peace with being misunderstood is difficult but essential. The boundary may not be what the other person wants, but it isn’t really for them is it? It is for you, and for what you need.
Being Close Does Not Mean Being the Same: Resist the idea that you need to agree with, like the same things, or act just like people in your life. You can be close and remain different people. It is frankly more fun and interesting that way. This is an important boundary for those who tend to fold into, and even disappear into, others around them.
Disagreement is Not Disloyalty: You don’t have to agree to be kind. You don’t have to agree to be in relationship. Now, those you disagree with may try to accuse you of disloyalty, or some cousin of that, of course. Having boundaries around what you think and believe is freeing, and will make you resent others in your life less. When we bend into other people, sacrificing our own views, we often resent them.
You Don’t Have to Absorb Everything You Observed: In my house we call this “caring not carrying.” You can care about a great many things and people. But not everything and every person is your responsibility.
Accept Your Limitations: You cannot be all things to all people. And the sooner you accept this limitation the sooner you will feel more free. You also cannot prevent the people you love from having a hard day, moment, or feeling. Accept your smallness, and you are less likely to burn yourself out.
Internal versus External Boundaries: External boundaries are between you and someone else. Internal boundaries are what you will allow to occupy real estate in your heart and mind. You can practice putting up a boundary internally around worrying what someone thinks of you (or the boundary you set with them). You can put up a boundary around who you allow to have a say in how you feel about yourself or your decisions.
Boundaries are Organic and Changeable: You don’t have to say “no” this time just because you did last time. Maybe you feel differently today about that person, relationship, or you simply have more energy.
Overcorrection is Normal: When you are learning to drive you might overcorrect often. You swerve too far out of the way, you brake too fast, you painstakingly reverse and re-park ten times to fit within the lines. So it is with boundaries. Overcorrection is normal, and to be expected as you learn.
Boundaries are a Developmental Process: We talk a lot about the development of children into adults. I think we miss the many developmental processes we are also in as adults. You are learning a new skill with boundaries. It takes time. If it feels awkward or scary at first, that’s developmentally normal. Embrace your beginner status and keep learning, trying, and experimenting. You will continue to figure it out as you go.
Boundaries are Learned On the Job: Most experiences in life require actively engaging in them in order to learn how to do them - like parenting, or riding a bike, or learning a new job skill. The learning is in the doing. So it is with boundaries. You will learn as you practice.
Finally, try reflecting on how you want to feel. How do you want to feel tomorrow, next week, or in six months? Do you want to be less tired? More present to your family? Less frazzled? This simple (but layered) question can help you work backwards to determine what boundaries you need to put in place in order to achieve that goal.
With you,
Monica
Ep 131 - Mental Health Check-In: The Myth of Balance
This is a re-release of a Mental Health Check-In episode for those of us who are ending summer and moving into the business of a new school year, or an approaching Fall with work commitments. We are talking about the myth of balance, and how much shame an unrealistic idea of balance can produce in our lives. In this short episode we will identify why this myth isn't helpful, and how to think about ordering our lives instead. We will explore the ideas of prioritization, values, boundaries, and permission as a replacement for the pressure that "balance" produces. I hope this episode is validating, freeing, and encouraging.
We are currently in a Series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom From Inside the Room:
This series will offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist. Scroll back through all of them if you are new here!
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
Optional Reflections:
How do you feel when you think about setting a new boundary?
How do you feel right after you set a new boundary?
Which grounding truth resonates with you the most?
I adapt my definition of boundaries from the first, and one of the best, books I read as a therapist about boundaries. Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend.
🙌🙌great lessons!! Thank you🙌🙌