New Series! Gratitude: Therapy Notes (Pt. 1)
Small Bits of Wisdom from Inside the Room
Hello ♡,
I am so excited about this new series sharing insights from the practice of therapy. I love this stuff 🤓, I hope you will too. These are things I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist.
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. For instance I can try to summarize the structure of the brain from experts, or I can help you know how to recognize, and what to do, when you are stuck in your “emotional brain” and your “thinking brain” is “offline.”
I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
We’re starting this series with a topic on my mind this week: Gratitude. (If you follow me on Instagram, you saw some lead up to today.)
Gratitude can be an incredibly impactful practice. And yet, there are few things that could be more obnoxious than a therapist telling a hurting person to practice gratitude. So I don’t do that. In fact, I very rarely, and only very strategically, ever mention it. We don’t want someone to tell us to be grateful when we’re hurting, because it skips over the hurt. Pain needs to be seen. It could feel minimizing, unhelpful, and out of touch at the very least. Or like spiritual bypassing at the very worst. And, this is how a lot of gratitude teaching lands for many of us in our everyday lives.
Gratitude usually comes up in sessions not by my introduction, but because a client is being hard on themselves for “not being grateful enough.” That is when we start to unpack it…
We all want to practice gratitude, but we often come at it through the wrong door. It doesn’t matter how much I love Oprah and her gratitude practice. Or how much I try to emulate her in that. It doesn’t matter how many journals I get, or books I’ve read. I agree with all of it. I aspire to all of it. But if my gratitude practice is steeped in bypassing hard feelings, or shaming myself, I am not likely to use it. I see light bulbs turn on when I start to name this for people.
We don’t practice gratitude because we are ungrateful. We don’t practice gratitude because the way we are using it feels bad.
Gratitude is too often used to shame people out of hard feelings. Something hurts, and instead of honoring the pain, we point to what they should feel and be grateful for. But, no bypassing of hard feelings is required. Both exist at the same time - the hard feelings and the gratitude. I am so angry and grateful for someone to talk to about it. I am so sad and grateful for this moment alone. I am really lonely and grateful you reached out. Or, I am really hurting and grateful I don’t have to feel grateful right now, and make a lesson out of this.
If we are not using gratitude to shame ourselves out of hard feelings, what are we using it for? From a mental health perspective, why is it so useful?
Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to bring you back to the present moment. Why is this important? Because we can handle this present moment. It’s how we’re wired.
Gratitude is a shortcut to mental health buzzwords like mindfulness and embodiment. Mindfulness means being in the present moment. Embodiment means being in your body. When we are anxious or triggered we are not in the present moment, and we are not present in our bodies. We are tangled in the past or fearing the future. Gratitude is a shortcut, a bridge really, to this present moment. It’s difficult to not be mindful or be in your body when you practice noting little moments. This is why gratitude works. Suddenly your life feels “you” sized, less overwhelming. You are back in the present moment (which is more tolerable than a hundred imagined or remembered moments), and you may even find yourself appreciating what you are noticing as you say thank you for it. Having the focus on gratitude to get back into the present moment, I find, is more tangible than “be present.” When I try to just “be present” my mind often wanders. And we get back into our body directly by noting sensations we are grateful for: soothing of thirst, cool air, warm heat, soft socks.
How do we practice? It’s not fancy.
Thank you for this hot cup of coffee.
I’m grateful for this soft blanket.
Thank you for the cool of this building on a hot day.
Then you’re back in your body and in the present moment.
One of my favorite ways to practice gratitude is during the “middle of the night scaries,” or “falling asleep stress shows.” When I find myself looping through a worst-case outcome, or rehashing a decision, I begin to mindfully note and say thank you for my surroundings and things in my day. Thank you for this quiet. Thank you for my soft pillow. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for that moment with my child today. I am not denying my stress, I am just bringing myself back to just.this.moment. I can handle this right now.
Gratitude works well for moments of surging anxiety. Notice where you are sitting. Thank you for this chair, or car, or bus. Thank you for the air in my lungs. Thank you for the lunch I ate. You are not denying your anxiety, you are coming back to your body and the present moment. just.this.moment.
It can also be a spiritual practice. It is part of my faith practice. I believe God meets us in the present. Right now. Practicing gratitude helps my heart to open to God right here, right now. just.this.moment.
Next time you feel tempted to shame yourself into gratitude, try feeling the hard feelings you have, validating them, and adding the word “and.” Add things you notice and appreciate, don’t skip hard feelings. Use gratitude as a way to come back to the present moment, and back into your body. just.this.moment.
With you, and grateful for you,
Monica
Optional Reflection:
What is one thing you notice, and appreciate, that brings you back to this present moment?
I always notice and appreciate trees. No pun intended but they keep me grounded in the here and now.
An interesting and helpful view of gratitude. I think it will work for me. Thank you.