A Reflection On Being Called Names

A Behind the Scenes Moment From This Book Journey

Hello ♡,

Someday I’ll tell you all the stories of getting this book made, but for now, here is one I can tell you, and some thoughts about why we (against our better judgment!) may listen to someone we shouldn’t.

This year I had a conversation with a consultant recommended to me to help build my audience for my book. There are people that do this, and probably some very well, but honestly this wasn’t impressive. And became quickly unpleasant, to say the least.

After the initial call, when I asked for more time to decide about spending money for his services - he responded with a hateful email telling me I was unprofessional if I wouldn’t agree to work with him. He then shamed me and mocked me, and it was all, well, a little shocking to be honest. He didn’t get what he wanted, and he’s calling me names… And you know what? I wish I could say I didn’t re-read the email, but I did, a few times. I leaned in to listen.

Photo by Solen Feyissa on Unsplash

I know this consultant was completely out of line, I know that ironically he is the one acting unprofessionally. His language was dominating, demeaning, and gaslighting. My husband, sitting next to me reading the email, was flabbergasted and furious at this guy’s language. “Don’t dignify him with a response, this is disgusting and clearly he is desperate for your money.” And yet still, still!…When I received the email, I leaned in for a minute to hear the names he was calling me as my chest got tight and my anxiety rose.

Why? Because the experience of being called names by this person was not about him. It wasn’t even about the specific names. The names had found just the smallest entry to an old narrative I have long been healing from - and spoiler alert, it’s not about being unprofessional.  

Here lies so much of the power with names we are called - it clicks, even for just a minute, into a pre-existing pain narrative - a false narrative - or, just a fear we have.

This man’s words clicked into an old story I carried around.

Everyone I showed his email to was shocked by his behavior. I, as a professional counselor, would empower a client to set boundaries and move on (which I did soon with clear communication and a hard boundary). So why was I still anxious, even in advocating for myself? Do I think I’m unprofessional? While certainly not perfect, no. Do I actually want to work with this man after his unhinged response? No, absolutely not. So what was going on?

The click for this name I was called came because of the pre-existing story it attached to inside of me.

I know other people who had have worked with him; (I know enough as a therapist to know he is probably the nicest person when he gets what he wants, he certainly was on our initial call), but for a minute wondered maybe it’s something about me that led him to treat me that way? Sound familiar?

And, I begin to listen to that fear. His name calling got my attention not because it’s true, but because deep down I am still in constant healing and conversations with the parts of me that struggle not to believe I’m “bad,” or “other.” Most of us carry some narrative about ourselves that gets activated with pain.

When those narratives are activated, I worry I’m not good enough for this book opportunity, and that other therapist/authors are more worthy. This is not because of my credentials, it’s because of my old narratives. There’s a little part of me inside that worries about his reach, and that he will tell other people whatever mythologies he is creating. But I only worry about his reach because I worry about my worth. 

And so the hook is not the credibility of his claim, it’s the instability of beliefs about myself when triggered.

I felt wobbly for a moment, not because I think he’s right, but because I secretly fear I will get kicked off the “therapist/author” island and that somehow I’m not good enough to be on it anyway (a historical fear with a new outlet). And, that this random angry man, with narcissistic traits, who now is clearly not a fan, will somehow have the power to create whispers about me in the industry that will be hurtful for me.

I got hooked, not by the validity of his words, but by the vulnerability of my triggers.

Photo by Ivan Jurilj on Unsplash

I was able to circle back from this trigger much more readily and quickly than in the past. But I saw in my experience the power of “the hook” in someone’s treatment of us - the hook is not the content, it’s our painful narratives it attaches to.

Let’s talk more about “the hook” next week, and what we can learn about our own…

With you,

Monica

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Book NEWS!!

If you like this newsletter, I think you will like my book!!

There is a real cover being worked on now that is so beautiful. I love it so much I often just look at it for fun. Swoon. It is the face of my words, and I am so grateful it is one I feel connected to.

The book is in the editing process, what a road, I will share more about all of this one day too.