You Take You With You

and other thoughts on being with yourself

Hello♡,

One of the analogies I often return to is this: buying new running shoes will not make you a runner. You are still you, no matter the shoes. You will still dread lacing up those shoes whether they are shiny and new or old and loved, if you tend to dread that moment. Or you will run just as well in the dirty shoes as the new clean ones, if you love to run (although let’s be honest the new ones may have more support🤓).

Our packaging doesn’t change our state. You take you with you.

As a therapist, I am in the business of change. Change, often in the form of emotional healing, insight, new practices and boundaries etc, is what we do. And change cannot be hot wired, it cannot be shortened or sped up, it is so annoying in that way. And our containers, whether they are new running shoes, new homes, even new relationships, will not necessarily change our insides. They cannot change who we are or how we are operating from the inside out.

And this is frustrating and beautiful.

It is frustrating because we want to be different than we are in the ways that we struggle internally. We want an “easy button” to push to speed things up. I have had to practice giving myself compassion for the old anxious patterns that surprised me in my recent move. I have had to practice understanding that I, and perhaps you too, bring with me all the layers of who I am and sometimes surprising layers are stirred up. The you that can be a struggle for you deserves your kindness and love.

On the other hand, it is beautiful that our containers cannot change our insides because we actually can’t lose ourselves. Oh it can feel like we do. We can feel completely untethered and disconnected from ourselves in a moment, a week, or a period of years. But we can’t actually lose ourselves completely because you take you with you - that person is still in there no matter what the container or season. And this can be a beautiful relief. Part of how I got out of my anxious swirling recently was to be with myself and the things that make me feel like me—writing, walking my dog, exercise, Lego Masters and frozen pizza with my kids.

So what do we do with the beautiful and frustrating truth that we are always with ourselves? The parts we love and celebrate, and the parts we wish were more healed, done, over, or just different?

I think we can practice a combination of self-kindness and gratitude.

Self-kindness for the ways you are still you when you want to change. Maybe you are doing best? Maybe it’s ok you’re struggling with that same old thing again. Maybe you need a little softness and kindness, and a good talk or a hug. Maybe you need a good cry, and you definitely need mercy and compassion. It is OK to struggle in the same old ways. Everyone does, and this does not mean you are not changing.

Gratitude for the ways you are still you that feel like home. Take a moment and think about all the things you like about yourself. What are the ways you show up in the world that are uniquely you, or that love on others? If it is hard to think of, try to remember a time someone said something about you that made you feel seen and known: There you are. You are something, someone, a gift to love.

And so, we if we practice kindness and gratitude with the selves that follow us around whether we want them to or not, we are also practicing acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation, it is lovingly agreeing with reality. And it is often the best place to start. It sounds like, “I accept myself in this struggle. I accept myself in this moment.”

Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

With love, gratitude, and acceptance,

Monica