Hello ♡,
I just wrapped up recording a podcast, and one of the hosts asked me at the end what I would tell people listening. And the first thing that came to mind was this, “You are not alone.”
Because it’s not just the hard thing we are feeling or facing or walking through that weighs us down. It is also feeling alone in it. Sometimes we are physically alone of course. Sometimes, however, we are believing we are the only ones who have faced, felt, or dealt with this particular thing. I hear that a lot. I’ve felt that myself. And it sets into motion a sense of shame about our pain.
There is an essential component of self-compassion according to the research of Dr. Kristin Neff called “common humanity.” This is the idea that you are not the only one who has ever, is right now, or will ever deal with this hard thing. Take that in. You are not the only one. This idea helps you move from self-criticism to self-compassion, from shame to understanding, from “what is wrong with me,” to “I’m not the only one,” from being hard on yourself to being kind to yourself. Because nothing is “wrong with you,” but things may be really hard for you. You may be really hurting.
Knowing you are not alone, that you are not the only one, keeps you from metabolizing the pain into a damning narrative about yourself.
I still remember a lonely walk home in college. I was at the height of my own struggle with my mental health, and I had quickly walked out of the brightly lit student union building into the dark evening so no one could see me cry.
I had been struggling silently for a long time, as so many of us have.
And on the dark walk home that night I felt the weight of it all, and the hopelessness settled like a boulder onto my chest. It wasn’t just the pain I was feeling, it was my aloneness in it. It wasn’t just the struggle, it was also the belief that no one could relate, and no one understood, that made each step feel so heavy.
What I didn’t know then, that I know now, is that help is often one conversation away. My own shame and embarrassment about what I was dealing with kept me from reaching out. That’s understandable. And maybe you can relate. But it kept me locked in this lie that “no one has experienced this.” And certainly what you are facing will not be fixed in a conversation. But we are not meant to struggle alone.
What I didn’t know then that I know now, is that it isn’t just the struggle - it is the loneliness in the struggle that often makes it feel so unbearable.
What I know now is that it is brave to ask for help, not embarrassing. It is brave to share vulnerably with someone. There really isn’t anything new under the sun either. Struggles come for all of us. You’re not the only one. There IS someone else who has felt this or faced this, and that is a comfort.
I became a therapist and devoted my life’s work to prevent as many lonely walk homes as I can.
This newsletter is me coming up beside you if you are on a lonely walk, putting my hand into yours, and saying: you are not alone, you are not the only one.
Because you are not the only one. I can say that confidently, and I am sure my fellow therapists reading this would agree. Nothing you say or feel would shock us in this field. There is enormous comfort in that. It won’t fix your pain, but it will dismantle the false idea that it is just you, and something particularly screwed up about you.
If I were walking with you I could likely say, “Yes I have heard this before. You are not the only one. This is so hard, but it isn’t because you are so much worse than everyone else.”
And every time we learn we are not alone, and not the only ones, we can pass that on. That’s what I want to do today. And, when you do this you will be lighting up the path with your courage for the rest of us, so none of us have to walk in the dark alone.
With you,
Monica
SPECIAL SERIES Episode 2: Why We Don’t Name Our Pain
I loved this episode!! We start to dive into more of the books and some of the reasons why it is so hard to find a name for our pain…
Book News!
I have started talking to a few people and podcasts about Your Pain Has a Name, and it has been an incredibly encouraging experience. I love hearing, “I read it in one sitting!” “I loved this book so much!” After spending years writing this with a messy bun, coffee, and sometimes a discouraged heart, I can’t tell you what that means. I just hope it helps someone.
If you have a group you’d like me to speak with, please email me back, I’d love to know. I love this newsletter community so much.
Don’t forget! Preorder here today! Or here! Or here! Or anywhere you want to support!
what is your advice on how we can be to support a friend during their journey? sometimes I feel the need to help them and be there with them. but i also feel the limits of my low capacity, like I'm not strong and stable enough to go through this with them.
Thank you, today i felt just like that alone with physical pain that comes and goes, with longing to be with family on the other side of the world, with should bes and helplessness...your lines came as a light into my soul...