You are a Home: Therapy Notes (Pt.8)
Tend with Care
Hello ♡,
Imagine with me the front door of your home. Whatever type of home you live in, wherever you happen to be located, picture that door. It is there for a reason right? It would be strange, precarious even, to just live without a front door. We wouldn’t do that. It would be hard to settle into your couch and relax with no door on the hinges. You might find yourself looking up often, checking the open doorway. You might even develop a type of hypervigilance, feeling anxious even when you are not looking, jumping at any sounds you hear outside your door. It certainly wouldn’t feel very peaceful.
I find that we often live our lives like a home without a front door. It is just wide open for anyone who passes by. They can not only peep in, they can come on in, grab a snack and make your space their own. It’s unsettling to live this way. Let’s unpack this.
We have discussed in this series how therapy is like sifting. We are sifting out what hurts, from what heals. What is untrue, from what is deeply grounded truth. It is the same with what we allow into our lives. Many of us have been taught to be open to the opinions and thoughts of others at the expense of our own self-trust. Someone says something, casts a judgment, proposes a philosophy on your life, your life choices, or how you should think…and you just let them right in. They don’t even have to knock.
And then your house gets really crowded. There are so many people on the couch you can’t even sit down anymore. You find that it’s also so noisy you can’t even hear your own voice anymore.
This is how many of us live.
This is some of the deepest boundary work you will do: Internal Boundaries. This is what, and who!, you will allow to have a say in your life, and a seat on your couch. Whose opinions you will allow to matter. Whose judgments you will lose sleep over. Who you will allow to just.be.plain.wrong. about you. And who you will look up to.
Of course we need feedback, and wise counsel. But that’s not what I am talking about. I think we all know the kind of noise I am talking about, whether it is online, from your in-laws, your parents, your neighbors, the gossipy friend group, that old friend group from college, or the other parents at school: these are the voices that you need to re-install a front door for.
Because you see, you are a home. A beautiful home. A home created and made with care and intention. One that is wholly unique, and whose structure, paint colors, and fixtures will look like no one else’s. Consider carefully who you are allowing to come in without even knocking, and allowing to take up residence. Your doormat can be welcoming, but it is a place for visitors to pause–not jump over.
And this is how I will often help clients to conceptualize their internal boundaries. It takes the self-shaming out of it. And it places a concrete image in our minds to conceptualize how sacred of a space our internal world is, and how we want it to feel in there.
Now tell me, is it time for some Fall home cleaning? Some more space on the couch? Maybe a new front door?
With you,
Monica
We are currently in a Series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom From Inside the Room:
This series will offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist. Scroll back through all of them if you are new here!
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
Book Update!
Can you fall in love with a subtitle? I absolutely did. And I had to really advocate for my subtitle. I wrote both options, but grew to deeply dislike the predictable self-help one I had written first. I knew the one I wanted. I knew what I really wanted to say. And I knew that every time I describe what this book is about, I use the words in the new subtitle I love. There was push back apparently about marketing, and internet stuff - like certain words need to be in it to make my book findable in the sea of others it will be birthed into. I am not saying I understand these things, or that they are unimportant. But I couldn’t let this go. I just couldn’t accept the no as an answer.
It is strange that on your own book you have to fight for your own preferences of your own words. But that is the world of publishing at times I am learning.
And here is the good news.
My favorite subtitle won. I was certainly self-advocating. But maybe it was my best friend’s prayers. Maybe it was all of the above, or none of that. I don’t know, but the publisher said yes, even when others had said no. I can’t tell you how much as a writer words mean to me. They are everything. And I can’t wait for you to read it.
I am waiting for the type-set version to approve and to send out to those who have agreed to read for potential endorsement. I am all at once excited and completely terrified for them (and eventually you) to read it. My husband has read it, and he loves it. I hope he is in good company. Thank you for your prayers and support!
Thank you !! I am planning to recheck whether my front door is working well .. !!