When the Waves Continue 🌊
Learning How to Feel
Hello ♡,
How many feelings might you feel in one day?
During a “good” season? During a “hard” season? How about when you are living within something chronic. There is no, “whew! so glad that is over!” It just lingers. Like a body of water moving you this way and that with new currents, and new waves. It surrounds you. It flows through your day, your week, your mood, your outlook. It becomes part of the place you live life through and from. You really can’t get away from it. You are in it. It is the water you are swimming in.
Life goes on. People who know move on. You don’t have that luxury. You stay with it and it stays with you. You are in the water. You are riding the waves.
I pulled up to carpool once finishing, and then trying to swallow, my hot tears as they poured down my face breaking into sobs. It’s not that I won’t cry in front of my kids. I just didn’t want to alarm them after a long school day with that sudden presentation. I slipped my sunglasses on. Fluffed my end of day flattened hair, and asked how their day was.
I dropped off one, then cried on the way to pick up the other. I listened to a favorite song. I just let myself cry.
I had been perfectly “ok” earlier in the day, with wonderful loving friends and conversations. I wasn’t withholding then, even though I was crying hours later. It is just how it goes with chronic things, and also with feelings.
And the truth was I was ok now too. I was just in the middle of a wave.
It reminds me of meeting clients in my waiting room with a a knowing understanding between us. We might even exchange a silent look that communicates a shared knowledge. It is here they have come to experience the wave they have to hold back everywhere else - as they hold up everyone else.
I shut my door, and ask how they are. Nothing has changed. Nothing. That’s not a good update. And the tears begin. I cannot “fix” in my profession. It is not only likely impossible, it also isn’t therapy. In the absence of a fix, I enter the water with them.
The waves can get really big, and even loud, and fill the room tears and feelings, as hands reach for tissues.
We stay with the wave. They deserve the dignity of being in a place where they don’t have to deny how hard it is to live in a chronic hard thing. (And you deserve that same dignity reader.)
The wave will recede.
When the session ends they will go on with their day. Maybe pick up kids, have or make some dinner, return to the office for meetings. They will smile, function, and do their very best.
And so, when, and if, you are carrying something chronic you must not only be gentle with yourself, you must ride the waves when they come. You must give yourself the dignity of space for your feelings. Sure that space may have limitations, but it must be guarded. Maybe it is your car, like me that day. Maybe a walk, a phone call with a trusted friend, a quiet stepping outside. An essential ingredient to self-compassion and learning to love ourselves is actually feeling the waves that come.
Chronic. long staying, grievous, untidy feelings, may not be what you want to talk about at the holiday dinner. You may not know how to answer when someone asks. That’s ok.
Or you may wish someone would ask, for goodness sakes.
You may also feel calm and happy in a lot of moments too. These feelings can (and likely do) co-exist with your waves, whatever their cause.
It is a lot, whatever it is for you. The waves will likely continue. Perhaps the time between them will lengthen, perhaps the duration of each wave will shorten. Perhaps not. We must allow ourselves the love and dignity of feeling the waves.
Waves are not as scary when you know they are normal, expected, and even a healthy part of your process. They are not as scary when you know they will recede as surely as they come. I know it takes practice to believe that.
And when you understand feeling the waves is essential to self-compassion and mental health, they hit you differently. I am not suggesting we go so far as to welcome them, unless that feels right to you. I am suggesting we may not need to fear them.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." - Jon Kabat-Zinn
With you,
Monica
New Still Becoming Episode!
Episode 134: Guided Meditation: Making a Home Internally
These short guided meditations are ones I wish existed. They are topical, easy to follow, and made to feel therapeutic. They are short and combined with very calming music.
In a world that is loud, busy, chaotic, and hurting, it can feel difficult to create a moment of space to breathe. It can also be hard to feel grounded and at home in your body with so much stress surrounding you. This is a meditation I have done in session with clients. I hope it is a calming exhale for your day.