When It All Feels Too Big
An Invitation to Think Small
Hello ♡,
Those of you that are also in the United States are likely feeling the weight of another school shooting on your hearts and minds. Those of you who are not in this country, it happened again. One international reader asked me “how we cope?” I said, “I am not sure we are.”
I am not sure all this out here is coping. Coping to me as a nation would be instituting change immediately (and years ago) as has been done in other countries - with significant results.
No, we are more reeling than coping.
So the pain we feel is often met with a sense of not only grief, but also helplessness.
I return often to one of the post important parts of trauma healing (because this is a type of collective trauma) when I feel helpless, and that is to find a way to help the person who is healing regain a sense of empowerment in their lives. Trauma overwhelms your ability to cope, and so having a sense of empowerment is essential to healing and coping. And so we must find that in collective traumas too.
But what if it is all so big and feels out of your control? Valid question.
And here I return to the wisdom of Michelle Obama. If you know me well, you know my love for Michelle Obama and Barack Obama. I recently was listening to an interview with Michelle I had saved as a treat (hello middle age) to listen to. I was feeling overwhelmed that evening, my husband was working late, and I knew if I put something in order, like the messy kitchen (empowerment), and listened to something I had been saving (middle age treats lol), then I would feel better. And I did.
Each wipe of the counter, each dish in the dishwasher, and the grounding wisdom of Michelle Obama…counter, dish, wisdom..On repeat…and I was back to feeling less overwhelmed in under 30 minutes. I exhaled as I took the puppy out for the 15th time that evening.
I haven’t read her new book yet, but she described how when things are so big and so overwhelming we have to focus on what is right in front of us, focus on what we can control right now, get local and specific and focused. And although she said it much more eloquently than that, I offer that to us here today.
As we begin a new week, with its preexisting overwhelm of normal tasks, layered with deep grief and helpless feelings…maybe try getting small, focusing on what you can do in your own life and in your own community. Focus on just one organization (like Moms Demand Action), not every single one. Find your local chapters. Focus on what you can do in your life. Focus on being and becoming the person you need to in order to keep showing up in the world the way it needs you.
In therapy work we also talk about two related ideas for coping and calming: “slicing it thinner,” and “grounding.”
“Slicing it thinner” is a way to focus on a small part of something rather than a whole, as a more effective way of changing. What is the smallest part of your sense of overwhelm (personally and collectively) that you can focus on today? Get granular. Maybe it is just doing your laundry so you don’t snap at the people in your house. Maybe it is one email to your senator.
“Grounding” is a way to get back into your body when you are overwhelmed or flooded with emotion. I do lots of versions of this with clients in session as needed. I do versions with myself, with my kids. One of my favorite easy versions is: feel the weight of your body on the chair now (or in your car). Feel your feet on the ground. Notice what is around you now. Say 4 things out loud you can see right now. (You are coming back to your body and the present as you do this). Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 6. Breathe in again and say something like: I am here, I can breathe in calm.
When the world is big and hurting (which it is and has been) we correctly feel overwhelmed, and we can also feel completely frozen by it all. Get small, get focused, get in your body, do what you can in your life right now.
With you,
Monica
A couple links:
A few more thoughts on how to cope from my Instagram this week:
A previous Still Becoming episode with my brilliant therapist friend Kalpana Murthy about trauma.
A precious Still Becoming Mental Health Check In Episode on Grounding Yourself.
The facts are numbing and incomprehensible... when will it stop? It has to stop!!
The advice, soothing and helpful
Thank you!!