Twinkle Lights and "Garbage Time"

A Holiday Wish

Hello ♡,

We are all in the thick of the holiday season, no matter what or how you celebrate. And I think for many of us, or at least for myself, I always have high hopes for what I want a season to be. But, in classic human form, it often isn’t what I hoped - well, not exactly.

My husband and I went on a long walk last Christmas, in the thick of it all also. Walking our dog together has become an important time for us to be together and step out of the noise, and into the quiet of our own thoughts, and our relationship. I was hashing something out about the holidays, I tend to hash, and even re-hash on walks. I realized something very important on that walk, and I remember where we were standing on a wet sidewalk because I stopped and said: “I want to remember this.”

On that rainy sidewalk, tired from trying to produce all the things, and concluding I didn’t want to be a part of the holiday rush and machinery, I had my own little epiphany. The WHOLE point, the whole point of all of it - the baking of the cookies, the holiday cards, the traditions, the plans, the parties, the gifts - all of it is the create connection. That’s it. Nobody envisions a beautiful sparkly scene - and pictures no one talking to each other and feels all warm and fuzzy inside. No one pictures holiday cooking - and fighting across a kitchen and feels joy.

No, the Instagram pictures, the holiday commercials - it is all driving at one core human desire - connection. We want to connect, and the holidays highlight, or truly capitalize, on this beautiful and complex human desire. And so, we are often projecting, knowingly or unknowingly, a moment of connection onto these beautiful images and ideas around holidays.

So this year, I’m remembering my sidewalk epiphany and filling my holiday wishlist with 2 things: “Twinkle Lights” connection and “Garbage Time.”

Brené Brown describes true, lasting connection in terms of twinkle lights vs flood lights. Twinkle lights, as she teaches, are moments of small connection over and over again that when accumulated create a warm inviting glow. Whereas flood lighting is too much, too fast, all at once - like a light that is too bright (my paraphrase). Every time I see twinkle lights this time of year (or any time) I am reminded of this wisdom. I don’t need to create a big perfect moment to have the relationships I want, in fact that isn’t even how connection is created. Little moment by little moment create the warmth and glow of connection.

So pressure off, exhale. That ride in the car, the conversation over teeth brushing, the random get together, or meaningful unexpected exchange - those create connection. Listen, I love big beautiful moments, I love decorating for the holidays, - but what I am saying is that they are not required to connect with those we love.

And, “garbage time” is something my husband told me he heard Jerry Seinfeld talking about - the idea that as parents we try so hard to plan so much - a trip, a birthday party, you name it - but the sweetest moments can be those “throw away” moments that were not created. That’s the good stuff. For example, my family and I spend a lot of time on this little rug in front of the dish washer. Big tears, deep talks, dog cuddles, all right there. Again, I love a trip and a big gorgeous memory, but what if the most connecting moments do not require any pressure or flash?

I think of these times myself like the in-between moments. String them together, they are twinkly and bright, and add them to the picture perfect, or not picture perfect moments (pressure off!), to make a warm glow. The point is - we can connect even when nothing is picture perfect, and maybe that is what our hearts long for after all.

With love and tiny moments of connection,

Monica

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Also…

Thank you to all the wonderful people who read these words and connect here. I have run into several of you in person, online, third party, and I am so deeply grateful you are “here,” and it brings me so much joy to connect each week with you. ❤️