The Continuum of Dismissal
A Short Book Excerpt!
Hello ♡,
This week I wanted to share a short excerpt from my book that I often hear from readers and interviewers about. When we are hurting in any way, big or small, it isn’t just that hurt that is difficult, it is also the responses we get from other people.
I find defining these responses to be clarifying. I hope this idea is helpful to you. And if it is, you’ll enjoy the whole book, You Pain Has a Name. Let’s dive in:
The Continuum of Dismissal
I love conceptualizing things on a continuum. Most things are not all-or-nothing. Recognizing that nuance helps us better understand what we are experiencing. It is, in fact, a different kind of naming. In therapy sessions, I often shoot my hands up like goalposts, highlighting the space in between as anywhere you can be with a feeling or an experience.
There are different levels of dismissal, from minimizing to gaslighting. Gaslighting, in case you only vaguely understand it, has an interesting background. It entered our language through a play and its movie adaptation of all things. Gaslight was a 1944 film, set in London during the Victorian era. It tells the story of a cunning husband who manipulates his wealthy wife in order to steal her fortune. One way he did this was to alternately dim, then brighten, their indoor gaslights, convincing her she had imagined it and was losing her mind.
It later became a psychological term. Gaslighting is a way to manipulate someone gradually over time by casting doubt on their ability to perceive reality. The result is that the victim unknowingly begins to doubt the accuracy of their own perceptions and the valid- ity of their own thoughts. This can lead to confusion, and greatly impact self-esteem, confidence, and mental health.2
These two forms of dismissal—minimizing and gaslighting—exist on a continuum of severity. On the lesser end of the continuum is dismissal, which is sometimes so subtle as to be imperceptible. But even though you can’t detect it, it can still be destructive. The severity on this continuum can go all the way to gaslighting someone or even blaming them for their pain. Adding shame to the pain they are experiencing—whether it’s a hard day, a hard relationship, or a hard life—only compounds their pain.
Let’s now look at the responses your own pain evoked from the people around you. Where do you see your own experiences in these definitions?
Minimizing—When someone tells you it “isn’t that big a deal,” but it feels important to you.
Example: You share with someone about a hard conversation with your boss, and they say, “You think that’s bad; you should hear how my cousin’s boss berated her!”
Dismissing—Your hard thing isn’t just minimized, it’s brushed off in a condescending, “get-over-it” tone.
Example: You lose your job, and rather than a compassionate response, you are met with “At least you have your health.” These “at least” statements are the hallmark of a lack of empathy.
Invalidating—This can occur when you’re told that the reasons for the way you feel are not adequate.
Example: You’re hurt by a comment at a party and try to confide in a friend, but the response you get is “You’re just overreacting. I’m sure they didn’t mean it that way.”
Spiritual Bypassing—Your pain is bypassed by putting it through a “spiritual lens.” In the early 1980s, John Welwood coined the term as a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
Example: You’re trying to have a baby but you are unable to get pregnant, and instead of empathy, you are met with “Maybe if you stop worrying, it’ll happen” or “Maybe God is testing you.” You are diagnosed with cancer, and the consolation you get from a spiritual friend is “God has a plan.”
Gaslighting—It is in the gaslighter’s interest to mislead, confuse, and create self-doubt in whomever they are manipulating. For this reason, it is different in my opinion from the rest of the continuum.
Example: You tell your boss about an inappropri- ate comment from a coworker, and you’re met with “You’re just imagining it. There’s no way he said that.” Gaslighters often know the truth but don’t want to be found out or deal with the consequences of the truth being revealed. There is a complicit commitment to this manipulation that makes it different than the rest of the continuum.
With you,
Monica
Book News!
Podcast Interview: This was one of my favorite interviews I have ever had. Dr. Alison Cook is someone I deeply respect in my field, and she is also an incredible interviewer. Here is my episode on her podcast The Best of You: LINK. (You can also listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts, Episode 158)
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