Hello♡,
I wish I didn’t hate anxiety as much as I do. I wish I had arrived at this life stage and this career stage much more relaxed, at ease, and with great openness to anxiety. But the truth is I am a little more crunchy, annoyed, and resentful of anxiety than I would like to be.
Maybe you’ve struggled with anxiety. Maybe you are struggling with it today. Maybe you love someone who gets sidetracked, or even consumed, with anxious spirals. It might seem unrealistic to be open and kind to anxiety, but it is essential (I just rolled my own eyes at myself).
Why is it essential? Because anxiety is not the enemy, it is the message-bearer.
When we are struggling with an anxious thought pattern - someone, something, or more specifically some part of us is trying to get our attention. Who is she? Who is he? What do they need today? Why are they so worried? Listen.
When anxiety isn’t the enemy, we are more likely to listen.
And when we are listening, we are more likely to hear the ache.
Let’s imagine for a moment that your most recent anxious thoughts were an ache.
You’re anxious about what others think about you: Maybe you’ve ached to feel good enough. Maybe you’ve ached to feel lovable.
You’re anxious they didn’t or won’t invite you: Maybe you’ve ached to belong, and remember a time you didn’t.
You’re anxious something bad will happen: Maybe you’ve ached to feel less out of control in this overwhelming world. Maybe you ache with grief for it all.
You’re anxious you will lose someone: Maybe you love them so much it aches.
You’re anxious you will fail: Maybe you’ve ached to feel significant and worthy. Maybe you remember a time love was withheld because of your performance.
You’re anxious about the week ahead: Maybe you ache for more space in your schedule, a more realistic pace.
You may have noticed that the aches are not easy news. But, they are valid, tender, and even at times healable aches. They demand and deserve our attention. It is so much more grounding to name and sit with an ache than to spin in an anxious thought pattern.
So what is it for you? If you were to inhale deeply now, and exhale for twice as long, and then listen… What is underneath your anxious thinking. Drop down, a few floors below your anxious mind, maybe to where your heart and chest are and listen.
Listen.
What is your ache?
Now validate the ache - you make sense. It is ok to ache.
If it is a grief or a longing, honor it. If it is a message about your unworthiness, thank it for trying to help you and gently whisper out loud that you are worthy of love, belonging, and good things, even if they’re not happening right now. And if you don’t know what the ache is, that is ok too, just be with yourself like you would with a friend, a child, or a dog on a walk. Just be there and listen. Soothe your ache with your love and presence, and if comfortable for you, a prayer. Maybe put your hand on your chest or where you feel the ache, to let it know you’re listening.
Now your anxiety isn’t solved, but your ache is honored.
What we know about mental health and healing is that solutions are not always necessary (or possible unfortunately) for healing. But presence and connection is. Be with yourself in the ache. Invite God (if comfortable for you) into the ache. Share this message and your ache with a close person in your life.
You are not alone, and your ache deserves attention and care.
With love and gratitude,
Monica
Things to share…
This beautiful letter from Tasha Jun, and I highly recommend her newsletter and writing. I was honored to have her on the Still Becoming podcast last spring too, listen here.