Sit With The Scary

A Subtle "Butt in Chair" Approach

Hello ♡,

When I was running with my oldest daughter this fall and processing all her fears about making the team she was training for, I felt her genuine fear and I recognized it in myself - and it’s cousin: wanting to avoid it all.

We ran and wrestled with the doubts and fears, all normal, but peaking that day. We ran and talked, ran and talked. And as mom’s do, I threw the last thing I could at these doubts - trying to clear them out of the way for my daughter. I believed in her and wanted her to believe in herself too, but sometimes self-belief is not transferrable. It must be experienced.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

I gave her my last ditch advice, wanting to relieve her fears, but knowing I couldn’t. I said, “Honey, sometimes you just have to put your butt in the chair.”

Photo by Renè Müller on Unsplash

I had her attention.

“What do you mean?” she asked, not accustomed to me combining the word “butt” with my sage mom wisdom. (“butt in chair” or a variation is attributed to many people about the act of writing, I certainly did not make it up, but I am unsure who the original quote belongs to - perhaps many…)

Photo by Zheka Kapusta on Unsplash

Well, I explained to her, how overwhelmed I also get with things - like writing, creating, dealing with annoying phone calls and emails, confronting fears and boring tasks, laundry, insurance, you name it…she was surprised I felt the same paralyzing “I can’t do this” feeling, and how I have learned the power of just putting myself into the task, sitting with the scary parts, and just showing up. Nothing more, nothing less.

Photo by Andrew Shelley on Unsplash

We were back on our street at this point, and she exhaled deeply for the first time as we ran towards our house. She had a plan. “Butt in chair” became what helped her exhale and what helped her move through her self doubt and fear to just. show. up. As much as my mom heart wanted to, I could not transfer my belief in her to her (now I am sure there are some deposits happening of course.) But, what I could do was vulnerably share how I deal with the same fears and their cousin avoidance, and trust that she can move through them on her own. And she has, and she did. And it was lovely to watch her soar in several arenas this fall. And “butt in chair” has now become a shorthand way for us to address what may be challenging her - from folding her own laundry to writing an essay.

Photo by Andrés Gómez on Unsplash

The secret to the butt in chair approach, or sitting with the scary, is that you are not guaranteeing completion. That’s too much pressure! You are just showing up. You are not guaranteeing perfection (impossible), or even success (out of your hands), you are just simply refusing to avoid.

Photo by Allec Gomes on Unsplash

And so, as I sit in my own “scary” or as some people call them “sunday scarries” (but today is Tuesday lol) about writing this book I have been dreaming up and taking notes about for years, I am taking my own advice - butt in chair. It is the only way. You must sit with the scary, whatever it is. Listen, I often get superrrrr productive when I am “writing,” - bills get paid, camps get registered for, grocery lists get planned - but with my butt firmly planted in that chair, you know what else happens? I write.

Photo by Kelly Miller on Unsplash

I wonder what it is for you today? What is scary today? What would you much rather avoid? (same) Maybe it is a bunch of administrative tasks for your personal or work life, maybe it is a closet, maybe it is an email, or a project, or a health decision, or exercise, or even a boundary. Butt in chair. Shoes on feet. Computer opened. Email draft begun. Sit in front of it, just be with it. You may write 3 words of the email, or straighten out one of the bills. But you will be making progress and also sending the message to all the scared parts of yourself: we can handle this, we can be here, and still be ok.

butt in chair with you,

Monica

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New Still Becoming Podcast Episode

Episode 112- Guided Meditation: Note to Self

These short guided meditations are ones I wish existed. They are topical, easy to follow, and made to feel therapeutic. They are short and combined with very calming music.

This meditation makes space for us to to remind ourselves of some simple loving truths. I think of this like a "note to self." We won't cover it all, but we will also make space for you to add your own personal notes to yourself. Valentine's day can be a strange holiday sometimes, even a sad one, and I thought it could be nice to create a love note to yourself in particular during this week. I hope this is a pause, and an exhale in your day, and in this week.