Simple Steps to Self Doubt

And How to Walk Them Back

Hello♡,

Do you struggle with self doubt too?

It’s layered and complex and can have roots in many experiences, but since this is a newsletter not a therapy session (and you don’t have all day) - we are just going to sit with a couple aspects of it.

I think it can be helpful to break down how it can happen instantly into slow motion so we can look at it.

Self doubt can happen like this:

You try, decide, or even wear a thing you feel good about. You feel confident enough to move forward on that decision. Then, you imagine the reaction of someone who you feel judged by (or fear being judged by). They might be someone who has hurt you in this way before, someone who reminds you of a judgmental relationship in your past, or even just someone you fear disappointing.

You picture all their thoughts, responses, and unkind conclusions. Oh that doesn’t feel good. Maybe you feel some anxiety pop up in your chest.

You then internalize the judgements and begin to question your choices and yourself. In essence you agree with their perspective (even if you are just imagining what they think). In that agreement you begin to lose the initial agreement with yourself and your own choices. Their judgement becomes more important, more credible, than you.

Whew that was fast right? Just like that, you went from surety to self doubt. But you didn’t get there alone, you brought along others.

Why do we do this? There are of course too many unique reasons to cover here, but one reason is: we do this as a way to protect ourselves.

We are wired to belong to each other*, and we fear being rejected, cut off, or unloved. It is in our DNA.

And so we are often rehearsing how to NOT let this happen. We conjure up the scariest person for us, and we fear they may disapprove, and then we freak out internally, and begin to doubt ourselves as a way to stay within their favor. Because it is too scary emotionally to be without their approval - it triggers that sense of being kicked off the metaphorical island.

So what in the world do we do??

The first step is awareness - “I was confident about this decision when I made it, who am I listening to in there?" Being aware of what is happening will help you step back and see this self doubt as a process happening, not the automatic truth.

The next step is remembering this truth (I realized this truth in the midst of great fear of disapproval):

Approval and belonging are NOT the same thing.

You CAN be disapproved of and still belong to yourself (yes I am serious, you are your first friend, don’t turn on you), belong to a close few safe people, and belong to God.

If you are doubting yourself about something you had enough confidence to choose before, it can help to pause and ask yourself: whose judgement am I fearing? And then, try remembering I can belong AND risk disapproval.

Wear the thing. Stay the course. Trust your first instincts and decisions. Self doubt may wash over you, but it doesn’t have the final say.

with love, belonging, and risking disapproval with you,

Monica

---

*Everything good I have learned about shame and belonging can be attributed to Brené Brown. Read all her books as soon as you can.