Hello ♡,
I still remember where I was standing when a friend I grew up with apologized for judging me. I was so stunned by her admonition it left an imprint. Oh I knew she had been judging me, but I was taken aback by her self-awareness and humility. And frankly that she was admitting it out loud and unprompted. In that moment, I saw the power of experiential knowledge (truly knowing something by experiencing it yourself). A new understanding had dawned on her. You see, I had two babies back to back years before she had children. My schedule, my focus, my time, and my sleep were not the same during those years, and they couldn’t have been. But it wasn’t until my friend experienced parenthood herself that she understood what it was like, and apparently how unfairly she had judged me. I appreciated her words, and I also saw how easy it is for each of us to judge one another unfairly.
As I emerge from the recent cave of writing I have been in, I am reflecting on the power of accepting your own limitations, and the limitations of others. In order to pull off the writing I did these last few months I had to shut down all other creative work and make my world incredibly small and focused. Mostly? I had to relearn the truth that I can’t be all things to all people. This is hard for me. It’s not just that I am a recovering people pleaser, it is also that I really care. A lot.
And, we live in a world that glorifies defying your limits.
But what if your limits are not defiable, and are in fact, necessary?
Your limits may be defined by an intense season like the one I am emerging from, or being a parent to young children. You may be a single parent for the first time. It may be a diagnosis that has shaken up your life, or the life of someone you love. It could be a divorce, a loss, or even a depression. It may be a hard week, or a hard season. It may be a crisis at work, or at home. Maybe it is just a season of life that is A LOT in any way–parenting, personal growth, new challenges. A cave isn’t always a bad thing, it can be just a whole lot of a really great thing. However, it will still limit what you can and cannot attend to. We don’t pick our caves. And we don’t pick the length of time we are in them, or who we are when we emerge.
But what we can pick? The grace, ease, and permission we give to one another.
I’m not always great at this. Many times ease comes, well, easily to me. But if I get my feelings hurt in a couple of key areas, I can become exacting, and forget the grace I also need. I can also forget that I am a whole person in my care for others. I can white-knuckle it too often through things I should say no to. Can you relate?
Our limitations are not a liability, they are often as fixed as gravity. And though we may try to defy gravity, there is usually a price paid for that. And it often hurts.
Maybe you can’t do everything you want to right now. Maybe you are learning the things you will, and will not, put so much energy into after emerging from a cave. Same. I find the people who are best at giving grace to others are usually those who are pretty clear on how often they have needed it themselves. There is an experiential knowledge about our own limitations when we find ourselves in a cave of any kind. It is ok to do what you can and then rest your weary head. And it is also loving to support other people doing the same.
You may be in a cave now, be gentle with your limitations.
You may be emerging from a cave, take the grace you needed and pass it out to others.
You may just be humming along, not in a cave. But even then, yes, you too will have limitations.
My notes from the cave? My notes from recognizing limitations that are inevitable?
Let it sift you. Let it sift out who you are from who you thought you should be. Let it sift out the relationships you scramble to please from the ones who allow you to be human. Let it sift out the ways you dance as fast as you can, so you can finally just sit down. And let it sift out the ways you have not given the grace and permission to others you wish you had.
Do what you can, have grace for the gaps. Your own and everyone else’s.
Embrace the limitations. They’re not a liability. They are just the guard rails of your life right now. It is not a failure to live within them, it is freedom.
With you,
Monica
Needed this reminder. Thank you. I often feel I’m letting people down because of my work schedule and my family obligations both are outside what is considered normal 🖤🖤🖤
What a delightful writer you are! I enjoy your insight so much. So authentic, such a refreshment on the journey!