"No one else is coming."
The Most Uncomforting Comfort
Hello ♡,
This isn’t the newsletter I wanted to write. I thought something more cheerful would be nice to kick 2025 off and the New Year discussion. But I can’t shake this topic, so maybe it is for you, and for me.
I have heard many people say the phrase, “no one else is coming.” It is usually from a motivational speaker. And it is often the only thing I remember them saying. That’s in large part because I recognize in myself the tendency to wait as if someone is in fact coming to: make this dream happen, help me become who I want to be, change my habits, you name it. We wait as if someone else will help us learn to control our temper. We wait as if someone else will be able to make those healthy choices for us. We wait, and we wait, not even realizing we are waiting. And what is in the waiting? It is not laziness if you are wondering. It is most often, I believe, a lack of belief in ourselves.
And every time I hear someone say this I feel all at once a little offended, called out, and a lot empowered. It’s not really fuzzy, or warm, but it will really cut through a lot of confusion and procrastination.
This idea embodies the concept of “high ownership,” something I talk in therapy a lot about. This isn’t a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. It is more of a self empowerment, meaning you are more powerful than you are believing, and the most important person to help you is you.
When I was writing this book (that you will read in May!) I was hashing out my worries about my schedule with my therapist. I was detailing all the duties and responsibilities that come with raising three kids and running my own business. I was wondering how I would find the time to write this book. My therapist annoyingly kept acting like I had power and choices where I was sure I had none. Not only was it annoying, I was getting annoyed. She was saying things like, “the power to choose is in your hands.” What? Didn’t she hear my weekly schedule? Cue a big internal eye roll for me.
Her approach was very different than a therapist years ago who shamed me for my overwhelm as a mom of three young baby kids, running a business, with a husband who travelled. That therapist kept telling me I did have time to do it all, when I literally didn’t. I felt bad. I felt disempowered. I felt like a failure honestly. (I stopped seeing her by the way and have remembered this lesson in my own work with clients).
Back to my recent therapist and her annoying empowerment: She made it seem like I was actually capable of figuring this out. She didn’t invalidate me or my stress. She just kept pointing back to my ability to make choices. Once I got over my annoyance, I actually started to feel empowered. Yes. I do have the power to make choices.
This is the sliver thin difference between the shaming we are used to and the empowering we may need. “No one else is coming,” doesn’t mean you’re screwing up.
It means the most important person you need is already here.
It’s you.
It means you are the one you have been waiting for.
Breathe that in. You’re here. Whew, that’s good news. Now let’s get to work.
I’m not saying we don’t need each other, or therapy, or God for goodness sakes. Because we absolutely do. You showing up for yourself may in fact be finally sharing your needs vulnerably with your friends and letting them in. It may be going to therapy because YOU decided it was time, not because some cosmic permission appeared. It may mean actively attempting to believe, rather than hope someday you just will feel, that you are loveable.
What I am saying is that your biggest advocate, your biggest cheerleader, and the one who must take the lead on what you need has got to be you.
It is important to note here that empowering people, giving them a sense of feeling agency, self trust, choice, and power in their own lives is an important part of trauma healing and recovery. That is because trauma often rips away that sense of empowerment and agency. Healing and therapeutic work, of any kind, often includes learning to listen for what you need and then advocate for yourself.
You are the one you’ve been waiting for.
No one else is coming.
Why do I call this “the most uncomforting comfort?” because it rips away a false bandaid (ouch): our tendency to wait as though things may just solve themselves how we hoped, and it (the comforting part) reminds us we are here, and we have been all along.
You’re here.
Now what do you need? Today? This New Year? This is not a magic wand for those things to appear, this is a grounding anchor that no matter how windy the storm is you will show up for yourself. And you won’t abandon ship.
With you,
Monica
PS -
Keep reading for a very special new Still Becoming podcast episode. Terry Hargrave, Ph.D. and Sharon Hargrave, M.A. are therapists I had the honor to be trained by. This episode is so good, their theory Restoration Therapy is transformational and grounding, and they have a new book out!: The Mindful Marriage. They are as wonderful as they sound on this podcast in real life. I learned a lot about the idea of “high ownership” in couples therapy from them, and this is counter to what we are often taught. I often think when I get to hang out with Terry and Sharon, I want to be like them when I grow up, I’ve never seen such beautifully emotionally regulated people. The calm they bring is from the work they have done on themselves, and it is available to all of us.
New Still Becoming Episode!!
I am so excited and honored to have Terry Hargrave, Ph.D. and Sharon Hargrave, M.A. on the Still Becoming Podcast. I had the honor of being trained by them in their model: Restoration Therapy. I respect them clinically, and I love them personally. They are wise, experienced, and so relatable. Terry and Sharon take difficult concepts in marriages and break them down into actionable insights and behavior changes. They have a new book out today! Their new book : The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself.
Terry Hargrave, Ph.D. and Sharon Hargrave, M.A. are nationally recognized for their work in founding and developing Restoration Therapy and RelateStrong. Terry has authored over 35 professional articles and sixteen books including 5 Days to a New Self (co-authored with Sharon Hargrave). He is a former professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Theological Seminary and his work has been featured on ABC News 20/20, Good Morning America and CBS Early Morning. Sharon formerly served as Executive Director of Pepperdine University’s Boone Center for the Family, works with program development, and was an affiliate faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary. She specialized in working with conflicted couples, leadership relationships and intergenerational issues. Both are licensed marriage and family therapists and have worked with individuals, couples and families for over 35 years.
https://www.restorationtherapytraining.com/
The Mindful Marriage- Amazon.com
Thank you. Yes. We often are waiting to be rescued or bailed out by a type of savior EMT. When nobody comes, the world seems shaky, slippery, scary. Can I really be the one who needs to step up? Will try.