Listening Without Judgment
Feels A Lot More Like Love ❤️
Hello ♡,
I find it funny that I have newsletter topics listed, even lightly planned out (big for this non-planner creative), - and yet as I listen to myself and my week, I am most often feeling my heart and words move in a surprising new direction. I am listening to my life, and it seems no coincidence that is what I want to share with all of us today: The Art (and necessity) of Listening Well.
So often we mistake problem-solving, judging, critiquing, or summing up as listening.
But, listening without judgment feels a lot more like love ❤️.
I am by no means an expert on listening, even though ironically that is what some sum up what I do for work as. I get distracted, triggered, restless, and listening intently can be like a vapor I can’t hold, or like a ball I don’t want to catch.
As I was pulling into my driveway listening to a podcast after the 50th kid pick up/drop off that week, I was alone (rare), and it struck me the importance of listening, and how a recent deepening in my own inner work, and the foundation for so much healing work I see comes down to: listening. I turned off the podcast and got out my notes app - where I keep lists for what I “hear” in my own heart and life, and jotted down the word LISTEN under my “My Book” notes folder.
My outline for my upcoming book is already done, and re-done, as I work on it, and pass it through the expert eye of my editor, but this chapter side-swiped me and announced itself as important. I burst into the house and in dramatic fashion said to my husband, “I have a new chapter for my book!” I even put up my hands to mimic the display of the words being written in the air: “LISTEN”, I said and almost acted out. And I waited for his awe.
Silence in his face, but love in his eyes, he said nothing. “What, not cool, you don’t like it?” I asked. He lovingly responded, “I’m sure it is going to be awesome, I’m just not getting it yet.” We laughed and I proceeded with my day and listening has been on my heart since, maybe with less flair.
I spent a day catching up on writing this weekend, as last week had many predictable mom duties interrupt my writing schedule, and I sat with this chapter: LISTEN. And I got stuck. I got stuck because I was asking myself to share something vulnerable I hadn’t planned on in the book, and I became a bit avoidant of it. And then I kept practicing the art of listening - what am I scared of?, what am I feeling?
I was avoiding writing about how I not too long ago encountered the most anxious season I had in over twenty years - it was so hard and unexpected and I put myself back in regular therapy (a privilege I am grateful for). And to sum it up, I re-learned that listening is key to healing. Listening is our way in, and listening is our way out. There were parts of me that needed to be heard. Listening is our way to know ourselves, and to know each other. Listening will show you where it hurts, why it hurts, and if we are listening close enough, what is needed to heal.
And as I wrote today, I fell in love with listening (more dramatic language, picture my hands in the air again helping you picture this written in the air). And I realized although we’d likely all agree listening is a good thing, we may not always remember the art and necessity of listening well.
Psychiatrist, author, and founder of interpersonal neurobiology, Dr. Dan Siegel, describes the phenomenon of “feeling felt” by another, and I find clients always get this idea, even without any of the research or descriptions Siegel offers. In his book Parenting From the Inside Out, Siegel describes the concept of “feeling felt” as the ability for one person to empathically and authentically be with another person, to really connect with them, especially in the early parent-infant relationship. How do we “feel felt,” like someone is really WITH us - how do we do this for ourselves and each other?
It is important to learn to listen with gentleness to ourselves. I believe that listening more than anything, is really a posture. And the beautiful thing about learning to listen to ourselves, is that it will help us learn to listen to others too.
An anecdotal, not scientific description of what listening is, and what it isn’t:
Listening is:
Pausing to pay attention
Leading with curiosity, not judgment
Metaphorically, or literally, leaning in to hear
Making space
Being present to what you are hearing
A loving posture
Openness
Witness
Presence
Listening “with your face” - eye contact, phone down
Listening Isn’t:
Judging
Diagnosing
Problem-solving
Invalidating
Summing up
Moving someone along
I truly believe listening is the doorway to self-awareness and healing, and it is an art that can lead us back to ourselves and to each other.
Listening is more of a posture than an act, and you, today, deserve to be listened to with care and attention. And so do those around you.
Listen (dramatic hand motions, or jazz hands, optional)
Practicing listening with you,
Monica
My favorite non-research based book on listening - because it is actually a children’s book, that embodies the spirit of listening well:
Final Note:
Thank you for being here, it is my favorite place to connect with you.
2 things:
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I fully agree.. listening is an art and a philosophy of life. I need to practice it more !! Thank you!!