Hello ♡,
Recently on a walk with my husband and our two dogs we passed a woman and a man, and their two dogs - who were very large, and a breed that can be known to be aggressive, and the man was having to try really hard to hold them back.
My husband and I both got ourselves to a place on this busy road that was safe and away from the dogs, and waited for them to pass.
As the man struggled to hold them back, the woman kept chirping loudly at us “They’re good! They’re good!” I have learned in these moments to trust my own eyes and my own boundaries. I was attacked and bitten by a dog (as was my dog) last year on a walk while the person yelled at me “He’s fine!! He’s not dangerous!” He wasn’t fine, he was dangerous, and I have the scar to prove it.
I also do something else in these moments - I “let it be awkward.” A people pleasing tendency of mine could be to appease this woman’s “They’re good!” anxious overtures with reassurance, or with over-explaining myself and why I take extra caution now with dogs. These are two things I have often done readily in the past - soothing someone else’s discomfort and over-explaining myself. Instead this time, I just did what I needed to do, and she did what she felt she needed to do, and then we all moved on.
“Let it be awkward” is what I tell myself in these moments, and a strategy I often teach to clients. Because an important step in learning not to jump into a pleasing posture is to STOP- and if necessary - let it be awkward.
This isn't mean spirited or harsh, it is simply staying within your boundaries and not carrying the responsibility for someone else's response.
I say this to myself now in situations where I am tempted to please or cover for someone: “Let it be awkward.” It isn't my job, or your job, to make people feel ok when they are saying something uncomfortable for us, or for someone we care about.
Let it be awkward. Let the silence be there without you rushing in to fix it for them. Maybe you will say something important that needs to be said after you let it be awkward - but the first step is often not rushing to rescue someone from themselves.
There are superficial and there are serious examples of using this idea. This can be used when someone asks a personal question that is way beyond the depth of your relationship, or when someone makes an inappropriate or disparaging comment in a work meeting - let it be awkward - and in that space you can now decide what you will do next. We exhaust ourselves and miss important opportunities to use our voice when we rush past the discomfort that was created.
Regardless of the depth, it is important to not leave yourself, but instead to pause, and if necessary let it be awkward. This creates the SPACE for you to stay with yourself and listen to what you will, or will not, need to do next.
with you,
Monica
Episode 113 - Things I Tell My Middle Schoolers That Apply to Adults Too
This episode includes the things I tell my middle schoolers - and I have found there is so much crossover between the things that middle schoolers are often forced to confront (maybe for the first time) and the things adults often struggle with. There is a reason there are so many movies about middle school, it is like a distilled concentrated version of human relating, and that is what I focus on in this episode.
Each month, Still Becoming brings you a Mental Health Check-In episode. These episodes are focused on mental health, emotional health, or personal growth, and involve a short teaching and a few take aways in around 15 to 20 minutes. The idea is to take a therapeutic topic or technique and expand it to help us in our everyday lives.
I have a hard time imagining myself “letting it be awkward” but it sounds so freeing and I’m going to practice!
This is so good, Monica. I think the permission to pause and “ let it be awkward “ is so practical and freeing, especially when I’m grounded in my identity and sense of safety. Keep writing , it encourages us all!