Hello,
As I have been writing my book, one thing heavy on my heart is to not over-promise: because it is hard to be human no matter how great our books and podcasts are…
“I should’ve known better,” is a phrase I’ve heard many times, and spoken myself. A statement made in frustration, and often pain, about how something, or a decision we made has impacted us.
“I thought I was past this,” is another kind of refrain I hear often, too—the lament when we encounter an unexpected (and unwanted) setback or bump in the road.
Having spent years studying theories on how to have healthy relationships with oneself and others, I’ve come to a point of embracing that knowledge doesn’t prevent pain. And that’s truly a bummer right? We are almost sold that it does.
Growing and healing and personal freedom feel so good that we're often stunned by the sting of a pain we didn’t expect. Progress sometimes feels as though it should be protected in a little bubble from the annoyances, setbacks, and hurts of everyday life. It would be nice if learning to set boundaries or break out of old patterns came with a guarantee that things will be easier. The more we learn about ourselves, and relationships, the more it feels like life should become less messy.
But the reality is it just isn’t often that way.
No knowledge, or even growth, can inoculate us from the human experience.
There is no vaccine or preventative care to being vulnerable, tender hearted, and impacted by what is happening around you and within you. And the real freedom I have found throughout my years of counseling people, comes in accepting and embracing this truth.
Through this frustrating lens of the inevitable human experience of continued hurt and setbacks we begin to develop what I have found to be two of the most important tools we can have on this human journey: acceptance and self compassion. Before you roll your eyes at these commonly used words hear me out. Acceptance is not resignation, and it certainly is not throwing in the towel or giving up. It’s a quiet and mighty breathing through the present. It’s noticing and naming what IS happening (the good, the bad, the beautiful, the hear wrenching) in and around you. Acceptance is really just being present.
And the present reality, even in its difficulty, is often where grace shows up, and is what we have strength for - just this moment - not the narratives of our past or the fear of the future. Acceptance helps us be here in this minute. And what I find, is slicing it that thin, we usually all find that more possible. So we may have to accept that our boss still hurt our feelings, or we said yes when we meant to say no again, even when we are working on those things - but acceptance is a key to feeling ok. Which leads us to our next tool, self compassion.
Being a soft place for yourself to land is one of the most important things we can anchor ourselves with. Life is often hard, but we make it harder by how we treat ourselves in those moment and seasons. Self compassion is not just a fluffy idea, it is a foundational building block to weathering the storms of life.
Dr. Kristin Neff writes about Self-Compassion, and it’s one of the most grounding things I believe we can apply to the human experience. She describes self-compassion like this: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
The 3 ingredients necessary (according to Neff, summarized by me) for self-compassion are:
Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment: We are warm and understanding to ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, instead of beating ourselves up internally.
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation: Knowing you are never the only one struggling! Suffering and personal inadequacy are a part of all of our human experience.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: The balance of naming how you feel with compassion, without stuffing it, or without being swept away by it.
Accepting what is happening, without blaming ourselves unfairly, and even loving ourselves is grace embodied.
The truth is, no matter how many books we’ve read, or how much healing we’ve experienced, or how much therapy we have gone too, being human is still hard. And the strength through all the knowledge we have gained is not a teflon strength that keeps us from pain - it is a different kind of gentle strength. More like a deeply rooted tree, that though blown and tossed about, has the ability to bend and flex with acceptance, self acceptance, and self compassion.
With you,
Monica
So wise and helpful. Love that image of a deeply rooted tree that bends and flexes but can stand the blows and fury that come its way,,, and also gently murmurs with the happy breeze of another day!
I was scrolling through my feed and your beautiful words caused me to slow down. Yes to all of it as I sit with my sick dog and grieving clients. We simply cannot out smart the human experience. Thank you for sharing!