"It's Not About the Chicken"

And Other Thoughts

Hi ♡,

I am happy to be back with you after a holiday break - which was much needed and I really enjoyed.

Over the break, my husband and I were walking our two dogs, one of our favorite things to do, as we processed what the rest of that day would look like with our three kids on break. We were at the part of the walk where we are on a busier road for a couple blocks, and with the traffic noise and me falling behind with our poky little puppy, I had to yell what I felt was verrrrry important at that moment for him to hear, “REMEMBER! It’s NOT about the chicken!”

He looked back and laughed. He knew exactly what I was referring to. And I gave him one of my big eyes annoying knowing glances, and laughed too. We were prepping for a new family tradition with our family of five, where we each pick a dish to cook to make a meal together on December 23rd. The only rule is that everyone picks something they love to make and share - balancing the meal is thrown out the window. Emma was making a “special drink,” homemade lemonade with pomegranate seeds. Lily was making gluten-free ginger bread cookies for desert. Ollie was going to make lemon-pepper chicken wings with a special dip (coached by dad). I was making a copycat of potatoes we love from a local restaurant, and my husband was making fried chicken. It was going to be delicious (maybe lol) and fun - if we remembered the point.

My husband feels very serious about fried chicken and wings, and with that level of passion and dedication can come some stress - which can kill the whole point of the this tradition of cooking and eating together: connection. And so when I yelled to him “it’s not about the chicken,” he knew EXACTLY what I was referring to. Don’t lose sight of the point (connecting as a family) by focusing on what is less important (how the fried chicken and wings turn out).

And now this has become a saying I think of often when I am trying to stay focused on what truly matters. Maybe for you it isn’t fried chicken, but a clean home. Maybe it is your to-do list, or efficiency. Maybe it is tidy clothes on someone you love, or an empty email inbox. I don’t know what it is for you - but I know it isn’t bad in and of itself. Making fried chicken well, and enjoying said chicken is wonderful - as is a productive day and tidy life. For me it is often keeping chaos at a minimum, and that is frankly not always possible with 3 kids and 2 dogs. These preferences are good and they matter. The only problem comes in when we replace them with the true heart of the matter for us, whatever that is.

For our family this new tradition was built on a hope to connect and create a tradition that will grow as our kids do and provide connection, laughter, and memories in the years to come. Perfect chicken was not essential, neither was calm and no chaos. And the truth is we all know that outside of the moments we get stressed about our own “chicken.” It’s in the moments when we are failing at something we care about (fried chicken or efficiency) that we lose perspective.

So what can we do? Well it is important to metaphorically learn to drive in a parking lot, not a highway, so we can start by setting our intentions and priorities before a potentially stressful moment. And then if we experience resistance to accomplishing the task and start to lose perspective on what really matters, we can (with compassion!) remind ourselves, “it’s not about the chicken, it’s about connection.”

What’s it for you? Try it:

It’s not about ________________, it’s about___________________.

So, the chicken was delicious, but more than that, the connection was wonderful. We all remember it as one of our favorite moments of the break. And it’s not because my husband and I did it perfectly, it’s because we remembered the point of what we were doing, and watched lovingly for when we might lose sight of that so as to keep our eyes on what mattered.

with love,

Monica