I "Named My Pain"

The Practice In Everyday Life

Hello ♡,

I texted two of my best friends that I still don’t feel good after having the flu recently. Well, that isn’t entirely true. One of them reached out to see how we were. In the reach out, the genuine, “how are you?” I checked in with myself and admitted I am not great. I still don’t feel good, I am pretty wiped out, and I am having a hard time accepting that in a life with multiple kids and many responsibilities. It continues to give me compassion for everyone carrying chronic physical issues.

I teared up a little when I texted them my description, my frustration, and my prayer request. I felt the emotion. Then the texts starting getting those little hearts attached to them and the compassion rolled out. And I felt a surprising thing, I felt relief.

I still had a headache (well face ache) and my body is still fatigued and my brain foggy. But I felt so much better.

Why?

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Because I named my pain.

I allowed my pain to speak.

I shared it with safe people and felt seen, loved, and validated.

It is remarkable how naming our pain out loud to ourselves, and a few others, can make our spirits feel lighter.

Earlier in the week I cried on the sofa with my husband. He rightly noted I was a little too tense with our dear, sweet, and social son about a request to go hang out that evening with friends (requiring parent driving). I didn’t cry because of the feedback. I agreed readily and quickly with it. I cried because I was so tired. This same sweet son made the varsity soccer team as a freshman and we’d been out late so many nights in the cold and rain supporting him. My body wasn’t recovering. I cried because I was worn out and tired. I felt a familiar relief. I said to my husband, “I am voicing what is actually going on with me, I am naming my pain.” He’s used to me and my therapist ways by now, and I would venture to say he really appreciates it. He listened. I exhaled. I still felt tired. But I was clearer, more connected, and I circled back to apologize to my son. Naming my pain helped me do this. I understood the thing under my reaction.

These are very small everyday things that produced an enormous amount of relief in my life to name.

Did you know that the popular phrase, “name it to tame it,” coined by Dr. Dan Siegel is based on research that shows the part of your brain “naming” the feelings is actually soothing the part of your brain feeling the feelings in the very act of identifying them? Wow. I am still impressed by that truth even decades after learning it.

Naming is not only a validating relief, it is brain science at work.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Naming your pain is not just for the bigger stories in your life. It is for the everyday things. It is what allows us to find clarity in a moment, or a week, where we are off and don’t know why. Naming and validating what doesn’t feel good is often what helps us find our way back from that murky discontented feeling that trails us like a cloud when we don’t feel good but don’t know why.

I often meet with clients who don’t know “what to talk about” this session, but know they don’t feel good. We name, sort, validate allllll the things they haven’t had the space or time to name. Do we fix them? No. But the relief is palpable, often sounding like, “I feel so much better.”

Naming your pain is of course for the bigger stories, but as I teach and live this book leading up to its release in May I wanted to share with you my favorite part of the message: Naming your pain is a practice. A daily practice. And in naming this pain you come home to yourself. You find your way back to your feelings, yourself, and what you need.

So, your turn. What are you carrying today? In this country? In your body? In your week? Take a moment to name it out loud. Text a safe person what you are feeling. Exhale the space validation creates.

And, repeat as needed.

With you,

Monica

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Book News!

Next week I am launching a special series for the Still Becoming podcast with my friend, who is also an author and podcast host, Sarah Bragg! Sarah is a breath of fresh air in her honesty, humor, and seeming inability to be fake. She is authentic in the most inviting way, and funny! I am so grateful she has taken the time and brought her candor and relatable questions to this series! The first one comes out next week, and will come out biweekly until the book launch. This is a great way for you to get introduced to the book, or listen once you receive your copy! Make sure you are subscribed to the Still Becoming Podcast so you don’t miss them!

Preorder here today! Or here! Or here! Or anywhere you want to support!