"I don't play soccer."

On clarity and boundaries

Hello ♡,

We just wrapped a four part series on Approval Seeking as a boundary issue, I enjoyed everyone’s feedback so much.

I was thinking today about the new phases and stages I’m trying to parent my three kids through, and empower them to be responsible in. Parenting involves a lot of repetition, and so does life. And it is often in that repetition that we continue to gain momentum and clarity. I thought about a family story, and though this involves parenting, the point here is not about parenting - it is about clarity and boundaries.

If you were to know my son, you would know his love for soccer. And he owns it and works hard at it, and is the steerer of that ship. But it wasn’t always that way - as with most little kids. There was a period of time, when he was little, that getting out the door on time to soccer practice became a problem. It was frustrating. And with a toddler at home too, I was exhausted by that hour of the day. It was easy to lose my cool, and I was tired of the pattern happening over and over again.

Photo by Vitali Adutskevich on Unsplash

One day sitting in the car, all of us flustered with the situation, I said, “I don’t play soccer.” And I exhaled as I said it - the truth and accuracy of the of the statement felt like a relief. The clarity was essential for me to stop this frustrating cycle. It may sound silly, but it was so illuminating for me - and for all of my kids. I made it clear that I would support their goals and dreams, but they had to own the responsibility of those goals and dreams (which at that time consisted of cleats on feet, and water bottle ready on time). This practically meant that if he wasn’t ready we weren’t going. I was done sweating, chasing, and reminding.

“I don’t play soccer” became the clarifying sentence for that situation, and there have been many more in each different parenting scenario in which the role of ownership moves from parent to child as they grow.

“I don’t play soccer” also became a shorthand for myself to clarify what I needed to carry and what I didn’t. Because when I’m not clear on that, I have a tendency to overgive and to resent.

In order to not give past your limits, and grow in resentment, you have to be very clear about what is yours to carry, and what is not. Brené Brown wisely writes about choosing discomfort now (the discomfort of saying no for example), over resentment later. Because you can’t overgive without consequence, and the consequence is often us acting resentfully to those we want to love well.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

We want to be kind, loving, compassionate - but that feels really far out of reach when we’re simmering with resentment. That feels very out of reach when we are carrying our own bucket - and someone else’s. “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”―Brené Brown, Rising Strong. It is in fact our boundaries that are the guardrails for our compassion. Without guardrails there is no limit to your giving (and over-responsibility) and so you burn yourself out, scorching what is around you.

I know that parenting is not this simple all the time, and that is why this is not a parenting post! I am thinking about all of us reading instead- whatever our roles are, and wondering out loud where we need clarity on what is and what is not ours to carry.

What is your “I don’t play soccer?”

It will sound different for all of us, depending on the relationships we are in, but it will most likely feel like clarity. What is yours to carry? And what is not?

With you,

Monica

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PS - I am about two weeks away from turning this book in. I didn’t realize (first time author that I am lol) how to do the reference section, so this will be an undertaking to finish as I have cited so many great researchers and therapists, it’s overwhelming to be honest. I am also including a little “library” in the book, with some books to go further on topics that might interest you. I am excited about that idea. When I first had a website publicly I had a little “library” on it too, so it is full circle for things I always wanted to make. I am re-working a chapter on anxiety, and re-working my last chapter, there is so much I want to say and not enough space. I am in a debate with the team about my subtitle (kind, not heated, but we disagree), we will see how that plays out! I am grateful for your support and any prayers!