"I don't like the way that felt."

Gentle Wisdom From A Child on How to Change

Hello♡,

“I don’t like the way that felt.”

My youngest daughter said this to me as she reflected on some language she had used at a friend’s birthday party the day before. Now, let me be clear, the language was not bad, just her trying something out.

She sat at the kitchen counter, telling me about it, and reflecting on her own experience of it. It was a self-led moment that was fascinating to watch. She told me what happened, and then named her feeling about it. Then she was pretty much done. She was no longer going to use that phrase because it wasn’t a fit for her, she didn’t like the way it felt. It was settled, no drama, no shame, just moving forward.

I butted in with some mom questions, and asked, “did anyone say anything to you about it, or notice?” (Clearly I had some focus on others here, and wondered why she was so clear about her conclusion). “No, no one did. I don’t even think anyone noticed,” she said. Because it seems, to this self-possessed little soul, it wasn’t about the response, it was about her internal meter. SHE didn’t like the way it felt to use that language, and that was her reflection. (Maybe I needed to catch up.)

She was modeling a beautiful and simple way for all of us to reflect on our behaviors, that may be a more sensitive and effective meter than only waiting for outside feedback, or beating ourselves up - did you like the way that felt? 

Far too often we approach reflecting on our own behavior with an over-focus on outside opinions (“what did they think??”). How we impact other people always matters, and we should always be open to feedback, but that is not what I am referring to here. I am referring to the self-talk, internal reflection, that we are all engaged with on some level at all times about how we are showing up in the world. 

Often we take much more of an overly critical stance, and a shaming iron fist. It sounds much more like, “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I did that, I am so embarrassed.” These sorts of statements all hold a similar theme of separating from ourselves and our unacceptable behavior. There is a distancing that says in essence - I shouldn’t have done that, and instead of staying with myself, I am stepping outside of me and shaking my fist at myself. 

“I don’t like the way that felt,” is a type of invitation that helps you stay with yourself, not cut off from yourself. It allows you to embrace the responsibility of the imperfections in a way that I believe is more loving and frankly more productive. It shifts the conversation from an “I am bad” tone, to a “that doesn’t fit with who I want to be” tone. And this type of gentleness, that combines specificity with love, is what I see change people. 

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

I think of it kind of like a puzzle with pieces of your identity. Does this piece (in action, thought, words) fit with who you are, or who you want to be? If we approach these questions with the curiosity and gentleness of a puzzle, we will be much more likely to add the pieces that fit, and discard the ones that don’t. And, it can be settled, no drama, no shame, just moving forward.

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So, what is your version of “I don’t like the way that felt?”

Here are some ideas to try as you ponder your own:

That doesn’t fit with who I want to be.

I feel better about myself when I do this instead.

I feel most like myself when I speak/act this way.

I feel most proud of myself when I ___________.

With you,

Monica

(story shared, as always, with permission ❤️)