Hello ♡,
When I was a brand new baby therapist, I quit.
There is a longer story there for another day, but one thing I knew for sure: If I ever returned to be a therapist, I would only do it if I felt like I could be a whole person and a practicing therapist at the same time.
To be clear, no one had told me I couldn’t. I just inferred that in my youth and the pressure I felt to be both helpful and have it all together. This was a recipe I recognized early was not only unsustainable, it was counterproductive. How could I help if I am not also comfortable with my own need for help? But I wasn’t there yet, I just knew I couldn’t live inauthentically.
I also knew the important ethical rules in my field: very little, to no self-disclosure. There are many other important rules too. The self-disclosure rule exists for many reasons. A primary reason is that therapy is the one place where, as the client, you are not in charge of taking care of the other person. If your therapist plops down and laments about their broken pipes (literal or metaphorical), you will naturally be caring more for them then having a space for yourself. And, you may automatically switch into all the ways of over accommodating others and abandoning yourself you grew up with. It is more complex than this, but the point? Therapy is about you, not your therapist. Even though it is a real relationship and your therapist is a real person, it is a unique relationship designed to help you in a unique way.
But in my twenties, I conflated these important rules with being super-human. I felt like I had to be one person in the therapy room, and whoever else I was outside of the room. I worried I would run into a client in my “real life.” I didn’t like it.
So, you may know the ending already. I did return to working as a practicing therapist. And I did learn, and I am always still learning, how to do this work fully being myself. I no longer worry about running into clients in my “real life” now, I do wonder and process how it is for them if it happens. I still maintain all the ethical rules of my field, but with no added self-imposed pressures.
Being a writer has taken my authenticity even further. Now there is a lot of choice in this, and a lot of intentionality and thought. I texted with a therapist friend after this recent vulnerable writing and uncertain season, “It’s not how I typically operate, and it quite frankly feels scandalous in moments. But gosh I’m in this tender time, I don’t want to hold my breath and present a face, nor do I want to call too much attention to it. I just feel like: I’m human and it is freeing to just be that even in this writing.”
It is another layer in my therapy work - to be a writer and practicing therapist. Clients find my work. I worried years ago about when that would happen, just like I used to worry about seeing clients in “real life” in my twenties. But I have found after years of public writing the beautiful experience of shared humanity (while maintaining ethical therapy boundaries) is frankly lovely. Human recognizes human, permission breeds permission, authenticity welcomes exhales.
I sat with a very old friend on my porch this week. We’ve been friends for decades. We laughed at how we may have been in a cult together on that “mission trip,” the jury is still out. And we processed our current beliefs and sitting with all kinds of people that may share, or not share, our beliefs. I told her, “I’m just “human first.” I am not going to box anyone in based on any belief, or way of identifying in any arena. If you are loving and kind, if you are emotionally safe, I am open.”
The relief in being human first is incalculable.
It is a relief not to require yourself to be anything other than a human - tender, fragile, strong, inspired, despairing, anxious, confident, and brave. And to not require anyone else to be anything other than human. Boundaries are of course still required. But the freedom is sweet.
We all have many roles: mother, father, doctor, writer, grandparent, teacher, professor, cook, laborer, caretaker, patient, client, friend, activist…the variations and crossovers are endless. And with any role there is the inclination of the world to see us just as that. And with any role there is the temptation of our own to limit ourselves to just that.
But we are all human first. It is indeed one thing we share, and one thing we must never lose sight of in each other.
My friend Patty gave me a mug at the beginning of writing my book. It is one of my favorite gifts. I keep it where I write to always remember the message.
Patty wrote to me in the card that part of my writing is helping us all feel like it is ok to be human. I wrote my book twice (also a story for another day). The first version was all role - “expert” therapist, the way I thought I should be. The second version, the one you will read, is all human first, knowledge second.
Here is to the human first, roles second for all of us, and in every arena
With you,
Monica
Optional Reflection:
What is one role you have found a way to be, or would like to find a way to be more “human first?”
New Still Becoming Episode!
Episode 128 - Conversation with J.S. Park: As Long As You Need
I am so honored and happy to have Author and Chaplain J.S. Park back on the Still Becoming podcast. If you have hung out with me for any time, you know my deep admiration of his work, writing, and presence in the world. J.S. Park is an author who refuses to look away from pain, and he invites his readers to both see and feel seen in a way I have never experienced elsewhere. This is a profound and deep conversation, and one I have found myself thinking about long afterwards. That is what J.S. Park's work does - it leaves you reconsidering what you have been through, what you need, what others are facing, and how you can more tenderly show up for all of it. I can't wait for you to listen.
Loving CW: We do discuss trauma and loss in this episode.
J.S. is author of an upcoming book, As Long As You Need: Permission to Grieve, part hospital chaplain experience and part memoir, published by W Publishing of HarperCollins Christian Publishing. He is also the author The Voices We Carry: Finding Your One True Voice in a World of Clamor and Noise, published by Northfield/Moody.
J.S. currently serves at a 1000+ bed hospital, one of the top-ranked in the nation, and was also a chaplain for three years at one of the largest nonprofit charities for the homeless on the east coast.
Love this post, Monica. Cheers to being a human first!!
This was what I needed. Being human and living with chronic illness and testing is so hard and anxiety runs high. Your posts are invaluable along with my therapist. Thank you. Your a good human 😊