Hard Feelings Welcome: Therapy Notes (Pt.9)
Hello ♡,
We’re starting to wrap up our series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom From Inside the Room. I will send the final one next week. I’ve enjoyed this series so much. But even more than that, I have enjoyed hearing from so many of you about this series. I am so glad you’ve liked it.
I want to dispel one of the greatest unspoken myths about therapy: you will no longer struggle, have hard feelings, or have hard days if therapy works.
The truth is, therapy doesn’t fix your hard feelings, therapy helps repair the relationship you have with your hard feelings.
Allowing yourself to have hard feelings without immediately blaming or shaming yourself, reaching for a numbing agent (including the phone), going into all or nothing thinking (I’m bad, my life is bad, they’re all bad), or lashing out at the nearest person you love is one of the most fundamental freedoms we can find internally. Allowing your feelings and then treating yourself with the gentless you would treat a sweet child or an animal in need is what enables you to weather so many of life’s storms.
Some people may call this grace.
You can call it whatever you want.
It looks like allowing yourself to be human.
And it feels like not taking the weather storms of your emotions so seriously, and instead just getting an umbrella.
It plays out like this: You have a hard day. You feel XYZ. And you hate feeling that way. You just allow it. You don’t beat yourself up about it. You also don’t stuff it and numb out with food, alcohol, or technology. You don’t make any sweeping decisions about yourself or your life in that hard feeling. And you recognize you may need some space from the people in your care or in your home in order not to take it out on them. And then? You are so very kind to yourself. You listen in, with actual care, to what might help. Maybe it is calling your safe friend. Maybe it is crawling into bed in your softest pajamas at 8 pm. Maybe it is going for a walk with your dog. Maybe it is your favorite record playing and a good cry. Maybe it is a creative outlet, rage writing all your feelings. Whatever it is, the only purpose, the only aim is to soothe your hurting heart. That’s it. You’re not trying to fix yourself (remember no blame). You’re not trying to psychoanalyze yourself to never feel this way again (remember no all or nothing thinking). You are just allowing yourself to be human. To hurt. To need. And to meet yourself there with the tenderness you would give a stray puppy you find. That animal doesn’t need a lecture. It needs a bath and a warm bed, and maybe you do too. And perhaps a glass of water.
So this is super unfancy. I know. There is not complicated theory I am breaking down for you (those are great too). There is simply grace and mercy. For you. And a lot of tenderness. And you know what usually happens next? You start to feel better. The crescendo of the feelings pass. Maybe not until the next morning, but they pass. And you have learned.
You have learned you can have big feelings and still be ok, making you less scared of your own feelings in the future. This also helps you feel less afraid of the feelings of others. You learn to be kind to yourself. Actually kind. And you learn you have a good friend in yourself, making the world a little less scary because you have someone (you) who will not turn their back. And you learn that the greatest gift you can give your weary soul is in fact compassion, and that this is actually always an option, making you much less irritable as well.
Are there fancy theories some of this is rooted in? Of course. But are those theories also teaching what some of the most ancient wisdom in the world repeats across religions and philosophies? Yes, I believe so.
The secret is not to escape what’s hard. Spoiler alert, no one can. The secret is not to turn on yourself when it gets hard. The secret is to turn towards yourself instead with an embrace of grace, loving kindness, and the kind of knowing glance you give to someone you really care about that you know is just having a hell of a bad day.
Success in therapy is not the absence of hard feelings. Sure there can be a decrease in those. The deepest lasting success creates a welcome in you to be tender and loving to all your feelings, all your parts, creating a safe space you can return to, and a safe space you can offer to others.
With you,
Monica
Book Update:
I did in fact cry and re-read my first endorsement four times.
An author who agreed to read my book for endorsement, did so quite quickly, and I experienced a moment that made all the chaos and frustration of this book journey seem completely worth it. Beyond worth it…this endorser wasn’t just the first endorser I heard from, they were my first real reader. And they liked it. Guys, like actually. And it seemed to be meaningful to them. And all the sudden the book felt like it’s own living thing, out there, meeting people, and impacting them in ways I couldn’t have prescribed or predicted.
There was also the layer that this is a person I have long admired, looked up to, and respected. And here they were, reading my book, and saying the most encouraging things about my book. I didn’t know what that would feel like months ago when I had to rewrite the whole thing (a story for another day). I honestly doubted many days I would even get here.
But as all stories like this go: I kept going. And I couldn’t be more grateful for that decision. And I hope if there is something you are working through this could encourage you too: keep going.
We are currently in a Series called Therapy Notes: Small Bits of Wisdom From Inside the Room:
This series will offer insights I wish I could pass out for free (here goes), things that help me in my life, and certainly things I wish I’d known before I became a therapist. Scroll back through all of them if you are new here!
Therapy is both an art form and a collection of knowledge. Much of this knowledge is gleaned from the clinical research that informs the science of the field. However, the kitchen table version, simplified down to accessible takeaways, is where I see the most effective help. I hope this series will offer some wisdom from the practice of therapy. My own definition of wisdom is: knowledge you can actually use.
Wow. Thank you !! will work harder to be tender and loving to all my feelings.. and keep going !!