Guard Rails, How We Use Them,

And How They Help Us Show Up for One Another

Hello ♡,

I got to get away with my husband this weekend for an anniversary celebration. My friends laughed at me that I didn’t know the number of years we’ve been married, but I checked it out - and it is officially 18. And we gratefully went away for the weekend to the Highlands of NC, about a two and a half hour drive from our home in Atlanta.

(We forgot to take pictures, classic, but you know what I look like, so here is Mark ❤️.)

The drive is pretty tame, pretty easy, except at the end for those of us (quietly raises hand) who do not prefer mountain vistas off the side of the road they are on. Sure, the view is pretty - if you are looking. But my chest is tight just typing this thinking about how close your car is to the edge. Is this a dramatic response? Absolutely. One hundred percent. And I own it. We all have our things, and mountain roads are one of mine.

The amount of time you are on the windy mountain roads to the NC Highlands from our home in Atlanta is pretty small, but one thing that really stuck out to me were the guard rails. I was counting on them, relying on them to guide us and keep us on the road.

And, I couldn’t help but wonder - WHO got to decide where these guard rails go up, and WHO put them up? There is so much trust and order placed in them, I am literally counting on them. It felt as though our safety had been decided by these guard rails and I wondered who was in charge of placing them exactly there?

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

And I thought (perhaps to distract my anxious nervous system) as we drove, about the guard rails in our own lives - and how important those guard rails are. How they are set there to keep us ok, and are we always honoring them? And then I wondered, am I setting my guard rails well in my own life? Am I honoring my limits? Because the consequences of not honoring them impacts everyone around me.

How often do we blow through our guard rails by our default needs to please or not disappoint someone, or by a need to perform, or out of loyalty to an old narrative?

Sometimes we blow through our own guard rails, busting through our limits and putting ourselves into a depleted state. We find ourselves in relationships reenacting old patterns: over-giving, over-extending, perhaps shutting down or performing. We bust through guard rails we know would make us feel better, more stable, solid, and rested. Out of habit, or out of fear, we say yes when we really feel no. Instead of staying on the road that leads us to feeling good, we ignore the warning signs - “sharp curve ahead go slow” ( or translated…go to bed earlier, don’t commit to that project while your child is sick, you need to say NO, etc).

We might end up tired, worn down, and weary. (Now, sometimes there are seasons of life that require this for no fault of our own - I am not referring to those seasons here. I am referring to when we ignore our guard rails.)

And here’s the unintended consequence I have both lived and seen. When we blow through the guard rails in our lives where we are trying to please and we over-give, or simply just ignore our basic needs - we often end up exhausted and become too rigid and self protective. We have run off the road of our own limits and now we have nothing left.

A reason to honor our own guard rails is not just for own well being, or the well being of our close relationships, but for space for the collective grief and humanity we all share as neighbors. With another mass shooting in California this weekend impacting the AAPI community, I along with you am grieving so many things. I must, we must, make space to name and honor the grief of others even if we’re not directly impacted - especially if we are not directly impacted. Our shared humanity demands that.

And, I am thinking about the capacity we have for grief, for shared lament, and for action. When we over-give in the our pleasing dynamics, or deny ourselves rest, blowing through our guard rails, we are too tired to stay open, present, and up close with the common humanity of our neighbors in suffering.

Maybe you have heard Brené Brown talk about how the “kindest people have the best boundaries.” I couldn’t agree with her more, and might add that for us to show up in the world (our little individual worlds and the whole world we all share and overlap in) in the way we believe and want to, our guard rails must keep us on a sustainable road. There really isn’t another way.

For each of us this will be very unique. Each of our guard rails will, and should, look different. But it’s not just for us we honor these guard rails and limits, it’s for each other. What if we really can love the world better when we are taking reasonable care of ourselves? That kind of blows through the whole argument about “boundaries being selfish” I often run into.

What are some guard rails you need to honor to show up for your neighbor? I know for me it is quiet and rest, like boring meditating quiet, and an early bedtime. Nothing flashy, and honestly sometimes I ignore that need, and it doesn’t serve anyone well. Another for me is simply physical movement. One more is honoring my emotional and mental capacity.

What about you? What guard rails keep you on the road of your life and therefore available to yourself and others?

With you,

Monica