Don't Go to Empty Wells
If You Are Thirsty...
Hello ♡,
I was once talking to someone, sharing something personal, and I realized there was nothing for me there. As if a banner had been written across my mind, I thought the words, “this is an empty well.” This person didn’t have what I wanted and needed. They had very little interest, hardly any empathy, and not much ability to think past themselves. It was obvious. And, it was dusty, dry, and lonely. I was looking for water in an empty well. There was none. And the hardest part? I wasn’t learning this lesson for the first time, I’d tried this well before.
There are certain relationships, or people who have played roles in your life or family, that seem as if they could have water for you. It appears that if you approached thirsty and parched from the difficulties of life, or just a hard week, they would quench your thirst with compassion, curiosity, and care. But roles do not indicate nourishment. There is in fact no direct correlation between someone’s role in your life and their ability to pass you a cup of care.
But we forget that.
We go to the same wells out of habit. They’re familiar. They're predictable, or frankly just there. We also go to the same wells out of longing. We wish this person could be a source of comfort for us. But they can’t. This is something to name and grieve. A living grief in a living relationship.
And let us pause here to name some of the reasons why: Perhaps this person has narcissistic traits and continuously centers themselves - taking over conversations or comparing their experiences (illogically) to yours. The focus always come back to them somehow, or their important thoughts on the matter. Perhaps they are shut down and your emotional needs are like debris hitting a windshield, a nuisance. Perhaps they are scared of feelings, and tend to avoid them internally and in conversations. Or perhaps still, they are weary with their own burdens, and though they would love to be a well full of water for you they just cannot, or just no longer can. This scenario calls for our compassion and releasing this person from that role.
Whatever the case, when you are thirsty trying to get water from a source that is dry, it exacerbates your thirst. And so it is wise to reevaluate.
Notice how you feel after you share something with this person. Validate how uncared for you feel, or how your words and concerns just seemed to fall into the space between you. Observe their lack of questions, or follow up. Allow it to be true and reassess. Name your grief. You wish this relationship could be different. You wish this person could be there for you in ways they cannot. Allow yourself to grieve that. And then? Find a new well.
A well with water isn’t perfect, and it certainly isn’t always full, but there is life to it. There is no dusty ground at the bottom, but fresh cool water of this person trying to show up for you in the little ways they can. This can be as simple as letting you finish a sentence, checking in on you and your hard thing, remembering dates, and listening without interruption. It feels like not being alone, like there is someone else with you, and that you don’t have to traverse a desert alone without the unique replenishment relationships can provide.
Finally, may we honor the truth, and subsequent grief we feel, about the dry wells we have run into while also honoring our thirst. There is no prize for being a human who lives unlike a human - without any relational needs. And may we learn to be wells for each other, or admit when we have too have run dry. And may we remember that living waters don’t run out spiritually with God, a source that can create a never ending well within you.
With you,
Monica
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Just what I needed Monica. I’m such a people person. It is hard for me to understand how others are more productive types and not interested in relating thank you so much, Fran.
I love the image of the dry well. I am thinking who in my circumstances reacts as a dry well to any need I might have. I’m also wondering when I am a dry well and why - and how to be more nourishing and quenching for people who are looking for that. Thank you.