Hello ♡,
I sat in my therapy office not too long ago as one of my best friends helped me solve a confusing dilema with the swiftness of a knife through butter. There are many benefits to sharing office space with some of your best friends, and this is one. She stood in the doorway as I explained to her the confusing situation one of my children found themselves in relationally. The up and down, hot and cold, moody and then level, behavior of a group of friends was dizzying–even for me as an adult. I was trying to guide my child through this and found myself being sucked into the confusion too. What was happening?
My friend listened, validated and helped me put language to my feelings, then summed it up well. The problem was not a single moment, the problem was the lack of consistency.
In trying to make sense of the roller coaster my child and I had found ourselves on, I got caught up in assessing the highs and lows for credibility, when I needed to step back and look at the whole ride. It wasn’t the highs. It wasn’t the lows. It was the inconsistency of the ride that was the problem. I knew this, but had completely forgotten it in all the feelings we were both having on this ride. Sometimes we forget wisdom we know when we are in our own feelings until someone lovingly reminds us.
Consistency, a reasonable expectation that you will know what you are going to get with someone, is a marker of a safe relationship.
Ironically this is how this same friend I share my office with was described to me by our other therapist friend before I met her, “I just know what I am going to get with her.” And it has held true.
My child, on the other hand, described these difficult relationships in this way, “I never know what I am going to get.”
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship like this? You may get a nervous flutter in your stomach, not knowing which version will show up today. You try to show up in the same way, but that doesn’t predict which version of the person you may get. You may even reluctantly try your best pleasing tactics to try to gain some predictability, and it doesn’t work. You may fear saying the wrong thing, because that is when they change. You may dread the next time they disappear because something got awkward. You may feel the sting of a harsh tone blindsiding you. You may try, without success, to have hard conversations in order to keep a sense of connection and consistency.
Because it isn’t that a consistent relationship is perfect, you see, it’s that you will be treated in the same general way in good times and in hard times. You will be welcomed with the same general kind of interactions.
And if things get tense, you will find your way back to that same place, stitching the relationship back together. Consistency includes the ability to repair, to find your way to that familiar consistent place, because every relationship will have ruptures and need repair. And even the most consistent relationships will encounter life - a hard season, a cave they have to be in, a season there isn’t much time for them in. It is the quality (predictability of openness, welcome, connection, kindness) of the interactions even in these inevitable times of distance that remains consistent.
One of the most confusing parts of life I help people sift through are relationships - of all kinds. They are complex, beautiful, and potentially hurtful–even heartbreaking. They can be dizzying in their confusion, and exhausting in their disappointment.
And so I offer you this week the clarity that was offered me: Consistency in relationships, a reasonable expectation that you will know what you are going to get, is something to look for when evaluating how close you want to be to someone in your life. This is not perfection, it is predictability. And that even if things get hard, which they always do, the predictability of being able to find your way back together to that consistent place.
With you,
Monica
PS - I am working on new Still Becoming Podcast episodes. I hear the most requests for new meditations. Any other types of episodes, topics, or interviews that you would like to hear? I am grateful for your feedback! Art and creation are a conversation❤️, and I am grateful for your presence.