A Therapist's Toolkit
For Emotionally Stressful Times
Hello ♡,
Before we dive in this week, I have to level with you. I used to roll my eyes, internally and sometimes externally, at “tools.” I found them boring and ineffective. I found them to be like bringing a water gun to a five alarm fire - small, ineffective, unreliable, and unhelpful. As someone who deeply struggled with my own mental health for years, I would’ve scoffed if you told me to “breathe” when I was spiraling. When I became a therapist myself, I also held skepticism, not wanting my clients to feel like they handed me their heartache and I handed them a worksheet with a list.
But then I continued to study and learn more. And I learned the tools are not the problem, it is the misapplication and misunderstanding of mental health tools that is the problem. So now that we know I am a recovering skeptic, let’s look at some things that actually work if you are feeling stressed. But first, a framework to understand.
Tools for coping emotionally and mentally have different categories, strengths, and applications. The categories are essential to understand. They’re more like a first aid kit, where different items address specific needs. I like to think of the categories as body based, cognitive, emotional, relational, story specific, knowledge based, mindfulness, and spiritual. But we’re often handed one tool and told it can address all the above. It cannot. That’s partly why we get so frustrated and disillusioned.
(Skip ahead if you just want my favorite tools. No judgment, we’re all busy.)
Body-based tools address your body with the body’s language. This is so important. You wouldn’t speak to a horse in complicated language, you would guide it in a way a horse can understand. The same is true for your body - speak to it in a language it can understand. Your body CAN respond to calming practices on its own. I genuinely describe this like lovingly guiding a horse in my therapy sessions. A horse doesn’t understand the words, “calm down.” Guess what? Neither does your body.
Cognitive tools catch thought exaggerations (or “distortions” as we call them in my field), and offer more helpful reframes. Most self-help techniques fall into this category. These tools can be life changing if used correctly and paired with other categories.
Emotional tools help you regulate your emotions. Your emotions are like waves, and you have to learn to ride them.
Relational tools help you set boundaries with others, or pull on your safe connections with others.
Story-specific tools are techniques you learn in your own personal work. They will be as unique to you as your story is unique.
Knowledge-based tools can unlock freedom by helping you understand what you’re experiencing and knowing what to call it.
Spiritual tools may include prayer or another spiritual practice but also involve a re-sizing of your role and acknowledgement of your humanity.
Mindfulness tools help you scale out and observe what’s happening around you and within you. These are almost like a meta-tools as they can also help you create space to choose the correct tools for your situation.
This is a newsletter, not a book, so I’m not going to go into every tool I like in each category this week. I want this to be digestible, and I am already pushing the limits of that with length. I’m going to focus on a few of my favorites, and explain which category I think it falls in so we all have realistic expectations of how it can help.
So if you’re feeling stressed, here are some of my favorite tools:
Hand to Heart/Speak Truth: (Category: Body Based, Emotional, Story Specific if you add that, Spiritual if you add that). Did you know the same hormone released when we get a hug, oxytocin, can be released when you do something similar with yourself? Oxytocin reduces our stress hormones too. After years of client work, I find many clients find comfort specifically in putting their hand over their heart to calm their body. Remember use horse language to guide a horse. Hand to heart. Comfort and soothe your nervous system by using a body technique. Try it now. Hand to heart. Now, add a grounding truth. Anxiety and stress are future based - come back to the present moment. “I’m safe right now.” “I can do what I need to feel more peace.” “I am OK right now.” Add whatever you want. I put my hand on my heart often, and I say things like, “I’m listening. You’re OK. You are safe and loved. This is not permanent. Just this moment, then the next.” You can also actually hug yourself, try it if you prefer that!
Breathing: (Category: Body Based) I know, breathing! So annoying. But let me explain. Breathing out longer than you breathe in actually signals to your nervous system you are safe (no matter what you just read on the news or in the work email). Again body language for the stressed body. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4, breathe out long for 6-8 counts. Push the air out long and slow. Repeat. Your body is getting the message: we are safe. This reduces stress. Combine with the practice of Hand to Heart/Speak Truth.
Just Today: (Cognitive, Mindfulness, surprisingly Body Based too) You cannot live more than one moment or day at a time. And yet we try to. We live a whole future story years ahead and wonder why we are so panicked right now. Just today. Just live right now. Just this moment, then the next. When I find myself leapfrogging into the future, my chest tight with worry, I come back to the present moment. I always found it annoying when people talked about “being present.” Cue my cynical yawn and eye roll. But here’s what I didn’t know. The present moment is the only one your body is actually in. The present moment is the only one you can actually find peace in, because it is the only real one (future fears or past ruminations are not actually occurring now). The present moment is always so much less overwhelming then the stories we are telling ourselves. Try it. Stack with the above. Hand to Heart/Speak Truth, Breathe (out longer than in), and just be in this moment. Any better?
Get Small: (Cognitive, Spiritual) Our coping has not caught up to our access to the bigness, terror, heartache, and worries of the world via our phones. I am not saying to put your head in the sand. I am saying to get back to your small little life to find peace and cope. Your body is in your little life, your head is in another story. Did you buy milk? Did you drink water? Does your dog need a walk, or your child need a hug? Do you want to watch that stupid new show and laugh? It’s not irresponsible to get small, it is “right sizing” yourself. This is your actual little life. It is ok, good even, to come back to it. Stack with the above, and move onto the next. Remember you are not helpful to causes you care about when you are falling to pieces. Help there, live here.
Accepting my Limitations: (Cognitive, Emotional, Spiritual) I have found great freedom and peace in accepting my limitations. Do I want to save everyone from anything hard? Of course. But I can’t live there. And the truth is: I can’t do that. I’m not that powerful, and neither are you. In a “no limitations” self help society, this is counter-cultural. But you are limited, and accepting this will help you feel less stress. I read years ago about the difference between caring about something and being responsible for it. We mix these up. These are not the same thing. You may care deeply, but you cannot be responsible for everything. My daughter rephrased this as the difference between caring and carrying. You do care, but you cannot carry it all. Your shoulders are just not that big. Finally, there is a spiritual component to this too. I find great peace in recognizing I’m not God (shocker), and I can’t know it all, fix it all, or even understand it all. I’m limited. And it turns out accepting that is peaceful.
“Let Them:” (Category: Cognitive, Relational, Spiritual, Mindfulness) This new theory out by Mel Robbins has me a little obsessed. Disclaimer, I was a skeptic of her work before, perhaps unfairly so. But this is powerful. Robbins describes how much freedom we gain by simply applying the idea of “let them.” You stop trying to manage who someone else is, what they think, or what they do, and turn that energy back to who you are and what you need/will do next. I’m pretty good at external boundaries with people, but I will ruminate on how someone bothers me way too much. I love this frame, and it’s really helping me! When you are so angry and perplexed by what someone else is thinking or espousing? Let them. Move on, focus on you. That person on the internet telling lies? Let them. Mute them and move on. Your brother-in-law and his nonsense? Let him. Stop spending your precious time venting about him and trying to figure him out. Move on and focus on you. This great interview with Oprah and Robbins will explain this well, click here. (Is anyone else mildly obsessed with this new framework? Email me or comment here. My family is laughing at how often I bring it up now,)
Whether you’re trying out my favorite tools or learning some new ones of your own, I find the strength of the tool is in the correct application of it. You need to understand its limitations and correct uses. So as you continue coping, try categorizing your tools for your needs too.
Finally, loving yourself is comforting and helping yourself. And this is indeed one of the best gifts we can give those in our own little worlds and the big world. I’m no good at loving anyone when I’m irritable, anxious, and scared. I have to use my tools to come back to peace. Then I can love better.
With you,
Monica
Book News!
I found out last week a Chinese publisher would like to purchase my book to translate to Chinese for distribution in China and other places! This is SO cool. I cannot wait to see the cover in Chinese…and speaking of covers, I can’t wait to finally reveal it all to you next week! Please come back and celebrate with me. This newsletter community is the place I am most excited to share this with. Thank you for reading my words, and for being on this journey with me. This book is so much for you.
Wonderful
This was eye-opening and very useful. I would love to see a children’s picture book using these tools. I work with children with special needs. Is there already one that exists?