A Tale of Two Moments From My 8-Year-Old's Life

And What We Can Learn As Adults

Hello♡,

I come to you almost literally from a minivan. Not an actual minivan, I no longer drive one, but that’s the vibe I am channeling. Many of you know we have 3 kids, and it’s a busy life (that I am grateful for). This week I am struck by two contrasting moments in the shuttling around of my youngest child.

Let me start with the magical part. I have come to look forward to my youngest daughter’s piano lessons once a week as a therapeutic moment for myself. We pull into a long driveway off a busy Atlanta road and you can already feel the warmth as two shaggy white retrievers run up to your car, one missing an eye but not a step. Sometimes the teacher rushes out to greet us, sometimes we wait in her little waiting area as we listen to the lesson before.

The waiting room is FILLED with twinkle lights, paintings, notes, cushions, ornaments, word art, cozy chairs, and often the two white retrievers encouraging you to keep petting them.

And then there is the teacher. The teacher is the real magic. She rushes at us with a warmth that is almost physical. Gushing over my daughter and remembering details and asking questions only someone who truly cared would think of. She truly envelopes you and makes you feel like the most important, most likeable, most significant human on the earth while you are in her glow. She believes in my daughter, wonders out loud how such a precious child could even exist, and makes me feel like I have escaped from the harsh hurt of the world into an alternate universe for 30 minutes a week. I can still feel the glow of her house and presence as I type. You feel like you could do anything you dream of in her presence, her warmth and acceptance inspiring you.

Travel with me to the second moment, a Saturday at the soccer field with two dozen 8 year old girls: healthy, running and kicking - and a group of parents who won’t. stop. screaming. Like actual screaming. These young girls are so fun to watch, the air is so clean and crisp with fall, and three of the parents have their toes actually on the field as they scream, clap, and turn red in the face, veins bulging in their necks. I am certainly capable of exaggerating, but unfortunately I am not here. One of the mothers has a curdling scream, it’s jarring and honestly upsetting. I am not talking about excited cheering parents here, I am talking about shaming screaming constantly streaming from the sidelines. (You may have guessed we don’t scream at our daughter, we prefer things like a thumbs up and “yay!”)

And I wonder, what is the message to these young kids?

From the warmth of the piano teacher’s cozy home to the frenetic energy of parents yelling at and shaming their children over and over again “run faster!” “get it GET IT!” “don’t just stand there!” - the contrast is stunning.

One child walked off the soccer field and said to her screaming dad, “you yelled at me.” Her dad scoffed at her complaint and said, “Yeah, but you scored.” It would seem that the yelling was a tool that felt effective to get a result that felt more important than the child not liking the yelling.

How do we motivate our children?

How do we motivate ourselves?

Is your inner world more like the screaming parents on the soccer field, or more like the warmth of the piano teacher?

You deserve warmth.

Warmth, acceptance, and belief in the inherent worth and goodness of yourself or another soul is powerful - more powerful than screaming.

The temptation can be to think only about “the goals,” but at what cost? What do we use to get there? Scoring goals is really fun, I cheer when my kids score. And, those goals never have to come with me screaming criticisms at them, that’s not the fuel that’s necessary for growth. Nor is it even effective for growth (in spite of what that dad might seem to believe). Research shows us shame is a poor motivator of behavioral change.

Let’s go back to the piano teacher’s house as we wrap up this week, and breathe in the warmth and dignity of being the most important and loved person in the world not because of what you accomplished, but because you are here. That’s it. We can all start there, we can all breathe that in for a moment, and we can all give this out. And, that is a very beautiful place not just to visit, but to grow from.

I snapped this picture in her loving waiting room, and I will leave it with us today:

Who did you need? Who do you need today?

You are worthy of warmth, attention, and yes even gushing, because you are here. And you are a beautiful and unique person to behold and celebrate not because of what you have accomplished, but because you exist.

with love, warmth, and twinkle lights,

Monica