A Radically Honest Newsletter

And a Few Therapy Thoughts

Hello ♡,

The truth is…I don’t have much to say this week - maybe you can relate?

I am also tired.

And, I am terribly uninterested in my own words as we continue to witness the absolute horror of the continued suffering of others across the world, and the continued lack of relief from gun violence in this country - another shooting in Maine.

But the therapist in me can’t help but observe…and try to provide language for this experience. My friend Mazi sent a group of us this quote last week by a therapist and author I love: “When we’re doing our jobs well as clinicians, we’re not fixing problems; we’re helping people talk about what they’ve been through.”  Lisa D'Amour. And that is where I find myself this week. No fixing, just observing, and thinking about the brain/body science of what we’re experiencing as we watch others, perhaps feeling helpless, suffer unspeakable things.

Here’s my working theory based on Polyvagal Theory of what some of us might be feeling… (for those unfamiliar this is often referred to as the theory of safety, and it describes in great detail how we humans look for and find safety, including when we are experiencing trauma).

The first instinct when something scary/stressful happens is to look to another human for safety, help, and a sign if “you should be worried or not.” Think about if you hear a loud bang in a building, if the fire alarm goes off, you automatically look to the person next to you to assess if you are both worried or not, or safe? We look to each other for safety, it’s the first instinct of humans, and it’s a good one. Except sometimes it doesn’t work - people fail each other. We’re witnessing so much terror and loss, and the instinct to look to one another is not working - think about reading social media or watching the news. People are tearing each other down refusing to see the humanity in one another. We are not able to look to one another in a truly effective way as needed to weather collective trauma.

So the next instinct we move to is one like fight or flight. And perhaps this is some of the vitriol you may be witnessing online - a misguided fight response to all this stress being released into these platforms. But the thing is, no matter how we might use our voice to call for a cease fire or to advocate for sensible gun control, we likely feel helpless. The fight response is also not working, it may feel useless.

So what comes next? Humans go to the freeze response. This is when the body realizes there is no one to help them , and the fight/flight option isn’t working, and so the survival option is to get low to the ground and to metaphorically, or literally, freeze. This can feel like fatigue, even flu-like symptoms, lethargy, lack of motivation, slowness. The body is trying to produce safety, to get low and protected. And in the strange alchemy of the world we live in today where we’re constantly informed of tragedy, often powerless to impact it from afar, and navigating constant vitriol of people in their own camps - we often freeze in exhaustion and fatigue. I saw this a lot during the pandemic.

Maybe you have been more tired lately - this could be why.

So what can we do?

We can’t lie to our bodies - this is unsafe, and our power to effect change is limited.

But we can create safety where we can:

Who are just one or two people you can talk to that “get it?”

What is one way you can move your body (for at least 20 minutes) to create a sense of calm?

What is one small action step you can take for one neighbor near (a text to a friend) and one neighbor far (a donation to a trustable organization directly helping)?

What is one time you can put your phone down, not because you don’t care, but because your body needs to know you are safe where you are?

What is one ridiculous, needless, just for the absurdity of it thing you can do to practice gratitude for your humanity?

And repeat….

I watched an old episode of Sex and the City last night. I don’t watch much tv these days honestly (except Ted Lasso and the Great British Baking Show lol), but this show was one I could rent at Blockbuster (yes you read that right) when I couldn’t get pregnant with my first child and I would be so sad each month. It was just meaningless and distracting enough, and I needed something like that then, and this week. What’s it for you?

This is all so much. I have no profound wisdom for you, just honesty and therapy thoughts about why you may be tired if you are.

Take good care of yourself.

With you,

Monica